'D' is for DEDD. Wen small fings crawl arownd an yoo pat them, then sumtimes they stop movin - that's wen they are dedd. Like moffs. Moffs are very dangurus creetures an must all be hexturminated by brave an feerluss Suvvern Innits. Like me. Sumtimes yoo don't meen to make sumfing dedd, it just happuns. That's wen they wos brokken furst anyway wen yoo fownd them. Like ‘sqwishing’!!

'C' is for CANA!! Canas are wurld's BESTEST doggs! They are brave n fiurce n are frightunned of nuffing. They like lots of bowncing n can bownce as high as a howse! They luv EVERYONE n have lots of frends. Small doggs like Canas cos they run arownd in curcles and yap a lot until yoo squish them. Canas have luvly fur cos the roll in mudd a lot. They are their Mum’s n Dad’s favritest doggs in hole wurld ))

My furst trip to the seeside!

'B' is for Bones. Bones cum from the Deaded-Fings-Shopp. Bones are yummy an tayst reely gud if yoo bury them in a seecrut place an dig them up layter wen they are all maggotty. Diggin is gud for gardins an helps to keep the flowurs away. Flowurs are poysunus to hoomuns so I eet them and keep Mum an Dad helthy. I am a gudd dogg!

'A' is for ANTS. Ants are ickle creetures wot crawl arownd the gardin. They make yor fur itchy wen yoo sit on them and yor mowf all fizzy wen yoo eet them. If yoo poke yor nose in their ant-howse, they crawl up yor nose and make yoo sneez. They are gud for fat dogs as they are only wun calory per ant.

I lyke watchin TeeVee. 'Get that dog off my couch' (Dad)

Shall I eat my breakfast? Shall I have a snoooze? zzzzzzzz (Cana, the world's first anorexic dog)

Mum is grumpee toonite. That's cos she has sumfing called 'i-er-ning'. I-er-ning is a nastee diseese wot makes yoo stand in the kitchun an get hot for ages. Yoo get all swetty an showt at Dad. I-er-ning is sumfing called 'wimen's problums' an yoo get it abowt wunce a munf. I hope I don't get i-er-ning as I am a wimen too?

Thort for tuday.... Worms. Worms are wot live inside yoo. Wen yoo poo, they go into the grownd an live there. They dig holes an stuff an eet soil, (yum). If yoo have soil on yor tungue an lick yor bum, they go up your bum hole an live there again. Worms are gud for yoo, so is nice to lick everywun so they can have worms too. Dad sumtimes gives mee stuff to kill worms! Not nice cos worms are frends. SAVE THE WORMS! (((

Gud luk to my frend Tatty Bear. He is takin his dad Nick to vet tomorrow so he can have his balls snipped off an sent to turd wurld doggies. Turd wurld doggies don't have balls n stuff, so we all must help. Well dun Unkle NIck. Big licks Tatty... sluuuuuuurp xxxxxxx

Snot fair! How can take mum an dad for walk if they using 'gentle leader' (evil leader!)? They know I need to show them way an will get lost withowt me takin charge. Worreed they will run off or chase ball undur car withowt me properly supurvisin them. Also, evil lead is like muzzle. Like wot Redbull has sumtimes. Am not dangerowse dogg! Just like bowncing. Sumtimes fings get in way….. like small dogs….

Dave sed that wen she had kittuns, her mum an dad sed she cud go to RSPCA. That is like cowncil for kats n dogs an you get new howse. Is so kool. Cud get my own kennel an hav dogging partees n everythin! Not sure wot dogging is, but must be gud. Dave still here tho, but cud cum and liv with me. Mite not like dogging tho?

SHOCK HORROR! Joel had 'sex heducashun' at skool. Sex is wen yoo bownce on another dog an they hav puppees. Sumtimes yoo just have to lick them an it happuns. Joel says not wen yoo do it standing tho, an not wen yoo play in pond after. Phew! - wos worreed that mite have puppies! Wot wud Mum say? Hmm, maybe cud get council kennel tho?

Worreed abowt Raoul. Bin gettin catnip off Redbull again. Has to give Redbull 3 mowses every time. Raoul wos lying on floor, purrin, with legs in air, but now catchin mowses again like puss-possessed. Mum says he has cold turky. WOT? Cold turky!! Why I don't have turky. Is not fair. I LUV TURKY! Grrrrr

Bin v busy. Saw Redbull yestuday an he said I'd bin sprayed. Wot's that? Is like hose pipe? BUT NO! Found out is wen you wake up an someone stole yor insides an then they sell them to dogs in turd world. SHOCKING! Is good to help turd world doggies tho, as they don't get bones an stuff and have to eat vegetables insted. Yuk.

Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy..... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ...... bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.... zzzzzzzzz. Licky, licky, licky... nibble, nibble.. "no Cana, no biting your stitches, naughty girl. Put the collar back on now..." Grrrrrr, not fair...... zzzzzz.... Bouncy, bouncy..... "Is this going on much longer?" (Raoul)

Had luvly time at dogg show. Dogg show is wen yoo haf lots of Suvvern Innits, (an Norvern Eh-Ups) in a feeld, an we all run arownd an do lots of bowncin. Sumtimes yoo haf to stop bowncin for a bit an stand wif Mum or Dad, an a BORING old hooman woo is HUNDRUDS of yeers old cums an looks in yor eers. BORING! Arfter that yoo run arownd n bownce again. Is the BEST fing!

Woke up this morning an have terned into lampshayd?!! Am so embarrissed... Raoul an Poppy not nice an keep sniggering an waving their tales just out of reech. Grrr.. - say I have terned into patchwork quilt too?!! Mmmm.. strange. Having lots of cuddles though.... Still sleepy......zzzzzzzzzz

Oooooh feel sick.... elephants flying.... pink ones...... headache...... tummy ache...... more elephants... blue ones ......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Mum an Dad lookin peaky this morning. Eyes all watery an v quiet, so desided to take Dad to vet. Inspected vet's, gave everyone nice lick an explained that Dad not well. Unkle Darren put thermometer up my bum again which was v nice, but 'what abowt Dad' I said? 'He'd like that too'. Then he got a needle out to give Dad injectshun… OUCH!.... Not me, him….. You got the wrong wun….. I don’t need… zzzzzzzzzzz

SHOCK HORROR! Saw Redbull at Dave's howse. Dave had 4 kittuns a monf ago and Redbull wos...... offuring them CATNIP!!! Don't beleeve it! Have gon right off Redbull now as is bad influunce on yung minds. Told Dave and she was shocked and said wood take catnip from kittens, but mite not give it bak to Redbull just yet. Roual not bak all weekend. V worreed. Must put up missing puss sign, but can’t hold pen. Grrr

Raoul v interested in my mate Redbull. Strange? Says, can Redbull get sum cat-nip for im, but not to tell no-one. (Catnip kept inside plastic jar on top shelf in padlocked cupboard.) Redbull as runny nose at moment and bit thin, but said e cud get some and not to worry abowt no payment as the first one's free. Very nice of im. Raoul well chuffed. Sed he’s going to have ‘ot weekend. Hmmm, spose wevver is nice? ….

Wassup wiv Mum??? Come in all smellin of puppies....PUPPIES?? OVVER PUPPIES?? Was sniffin er well n proper like, n well excited, n then jumped up just an incey-wincey bit n suddenly like, there's blood like EVERYWHERE!! Woz that all abowt then? Tried to give er a nice likin, but said 'get off me you f.....ng hooligan'. Not very nice! Wos onlee trying elping. Big hug later tho so luvs me again. ‘er mowf luks a bit funny?