*NOOS UPDATE*

Liverpoo playur Suarez
(wot HAMAZINGLY turned into RABBID n VISCOWSE WERE-DOGG wen he bitted anovver hooman at futball match)
haz bin tolded he is a "VERY VERY BADD DOGG" by hooman futball hassociation FooFoo (FIFA! Ed)

As swell as snot gettin his biscwit at the end of the game, FiFi (FIFA! Ed) decideded that he wos banneded from walkees for 10 HOLE WEEKS!!!!
(cue SHOKKED n HAPPALLED WUFFS)
Just goez to show wot a terribubble n DANGEROWSE FING it is to get HOVVER HEXCITEDED, Grrr.

We musted all tryz to be A LURT n VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMES so snuffin like thiz cans happun agin.

Remembur, TOO MUCH BITING = NO BISCWITS!
(and no walkee eiver)
WUFF.

Here iz me wearin my cone of shame. I didn't hav to wear itt for biting ovver fings tho,just mysulf.
WUFF!

VISCIOWSE WERE-DOGG ATTAKK!

Liverpoo playur Suaez mysteriowsy changeded into dogg at futball game n startud biting anovver hooman, turning into VISCIOWSE WERE-DOGG.
Clues to the HAPPALLING HINCIDUNT inclooded
1 runnin arownd in curcles
2 barkin
3 diggin holes in the pitch
4 having a poo
As yoo can see, norty Suarez had to be givun the CONE OF SHAME to protekt everywun!

OFF-SLIDE RULE FOR DOGGS

Haz bin terribubble trubble goin on in OUR HOWSE. Dad iz very sad abowt mostest HIMPAWTUNT fing for hoomans n doggs: FUTBALL.

Dad'z bestest teem, Arsesmell hav snot bin doin very well n even losted against ARCH RIVULS, TOTTS-IN-HAM!!! (Grrr)
Thiz haz maded Dad very DIPPYRESSED. (He did cheer upp a bit wen Mudchester Unitwited [Grrr] losted against Mudrid tho)

Doggys hof course iz much bettur than hoomans at FUTBALL n SHOKKINGLY, sum hoomans still dont hunderstand HIMPAWTUNT fings like the OFF-SLIDE RULE.

In ordur to cleer up any KERFUFFLE, I Cana (wurld's furst celebrititty NitWit n FUTBALL HEXPURT) will explain (wiv incey-wincey bit of help from Wippetedia) the
OFF-SLIDE RULE FOR DOGGS!

Is very simple.
Yoo need 2 teems of doggs. NitWits on one side (Me, Kylie, Bonkers etc) n Labradoggs on the ovver. Yoo also needz a big stikk (or ball).
A NitWit is in an OFF-SLIDE poosition if she is closur to the Labradogg's goal (ie. bestest bit of Labradogg's gardun, like nice big hole) than both the stikk n the second to lasted Labradogg defendur, BUT ONLY if the NitWit is in the Labradogg's own gardun. (The Nitwit CANNOT be OFF-SLIDE in ther owns gardun)An HOFFENCE (bad gurl Cana - NO BISKIT!) iz wen the NitWit HACTIVELY tryz to gett the stikk off the Labradogg by givin it a GUD DUFFIN (but only wen the NitWit is in the OFF-SLIDE poosition. Ovverwise, is ok to duff up Labradoggs). Any goals scorred (ie. burrying the stikk in Labradogg's hole) is SNOT ALLOWED wen the NitWit wos OFF-SLIDE.

Thiz rule hof course iz subjuct to HINTURPRETATION by the WOOFEREE (ie. Mum).

Ther, Hope that cleers that upp then. Eezy Peezy!
WUFF

Ther haz bin terribubble TRAVESTITTY OF JUSTICE in NitWit wurld, n wot is smore, haz happuned RITE ON OUR DORSTEP!!!!

Kylie (KYLA! Ed) - my sistur, the slappur - haz bin HACCUSEDED of TERRIBUBBLE CRIME wot she didn't committ n haz bin LOKKED UP INDEFINITWITLY by nasty, meen hoomans. Grrr

(Cue shokked n HAPPALLED wuffs!)

Yes iz terribubble, but troo. Poor Kylie (who is a slappur, but definitwitly NO THIEFF!) wos mindin hur own busynuss at Slappery Heights in Knobworth (Er, you mean Knebworth? Ed) wen SUDDUNLY for NO REESON, Arnty Lurraine HACCUSEDED hur of steelin a CUP-CAKE!!!

Kylie HASSURES me she had NUFFIN to do with terribubble crime n is HINNOCENT of ALL HACCUSATSHUNS n seys Arnty Lurraine must hav eated it by mistook n then FORGOTTUN ALL ABOWT IT.

Poor Kylie is snow under HOWSE ARREST n is only alloweded owt for walkees TWICE-A-DAY!
Iz up to mee, Cana (celebrititty NitWit n hooman/doggy rites campaignur) to start a POOTITION for KYLIE'S FREEDUM.

PLEESE, PLEESE, PLEESE HOOMANS, ADD YOR NAME TO THE POOTITION BELOW .....

FREE THE KNOBWORTH WUN!!!

WUFF!

Wakey, Wakey Everywun - Cana here!

Hav bin very very sleepsy since Crispmush cos is wintur n as we ALL KNOWS, is time for HIBERNITWITTING.

Hibernitwitting is wot furry fings do wen is cold owtside.
(Excepts wen is snowy hof course, then we get VERY VERY HEXCITED N BOWNCY - WUFF!)
Hibernitwitting meens yoo havs to bee very very carefull snot to OVERDO FINGS n HEXAUST yooself. We all needs much more snoozin than usual at thiz CRITITICKLE time.

Normal sleepy timez for doggs (recommunded by the MUTT OFFICE) is HAPPROXIMUTTLY only a MEESLY 19 hourz-a-day!
Thiz is cos doggys is alwayz RESPONSIBUBBLE n A LURT N VIGILANT AT ALL TIMES.
(Snot like cats wot is WELL LAZY creetures n can sleepz for SEVERUL YEERZ wivowt doin HANYFING very much at all!!!)

HOWEVVUR, during hibernitwittion, doggy sleeps can offten HEXCEED well over 26 hourz, IN A SINGLE DAY!

BE WARNED HOOMANS, it can be HEXTWEEMLY DANGEROWSE to wake NitWits when they is hibernitwitting, as theys can eesily go into SHOKK n may nevur bee the same agin aftur HUNEXPECTED n TERRIFYING WAKEY-UP HEXPERIUNCE!
(Exceptshun to this hof course, is wen yoo is wakin them up for VERY HIMPAWTUNT FINGS, such as:
1) ickle snakks
2) walkees
3) brekkfast time
4) dinnur time)

WUFF!

*CHRISTMUSH PREPURATSHUNS*

Here I ams helpin Mum wiv sum bakin for Crispmush. (Bakin is bit like barkin, but wivowt the noisy bits or doorbell ringin)

Mum wos makin CAKES!!! N we all know how DANGEROWSE they is don't we???? Poor Mum needud STRIKT NITWIT SUPERVISSION.
Sumtimez a bit of dangerowse cake wud fallz on the floor n wud be in dangur of POYSENING sum poor HUNSUSPECTIN hooman wot cud be lyin on the floor, havin an ickle nap n decide to havs a snakk!!
Gudd fing I wos there to tidy up HOFFENDING bitz of cake.

Crispmush is a time for spreddin sneezonal joy n dogwill to all, (Doggees is HESPESHLY gudd at thiz) n wos startud many many yeerz agoo wiv the commin of the Baby Cheeses. (Er...? Ed)

Remembur hoomans, Doggees is snot just for life yoo know, they is for CRIPSMUSH!

WUFF.