Here iz mee n my frend Norm (Storm! Ed).

He lukks like mee, but iz biggur coz Arnty Licky (Vicky! Ed) musted hav bin givvin him 'Miracuccle Grow for Doggs'.

Norm wos pretendin to givs mee a kiss, but reelly he wos sneekililly tryin to steel my treet off me wot Arnt Licky givved me. Grrr

As yoo can see I am bein CALM HASSERTIVE, wot is bestest fing for fings wot is tryin to PINCH FINGS OFF YOO FOR SNOW REESON!

Yoo can LULLS them intoo FALZE SNENSE OF SECURITITTY befor yoo givvs them a GUDD DUFFIN.

BARKK OFF NORM, thiz is MY TREET!

WUFF

Furest walkees.

Went to the furest wiv Mum n gess wot? Arnty Licky (Vicky! Ed) wos ther wiv my frend Norm (Storm! Ed)

Norm iz only a pup, so I wos teechin himm BAZIC DUFFIN n BOWNCIN SKILLZ.

Coz I ams an HADVANCED duffer n bowncerer (n a gudd NitWit) I keepz A LURT N VIGILUNT at all timez. Norm must lern to bee KONSTUNTLY aware of hiz surrowndings in case of SURPRIZE ATTAKK from ovvur bowncy creeturez. Grrrr

Unfurtunutly, Norm needz INCY WINCY bit more practize to becum HADVANCED BOWNCERER n DUFFER cos while we wos BOWNCIN n DUFFIN we HACCIDUNTLY bownced into Arnty Licky........ :o/ ooopz.

Hof corse wazn't MY fault cos I wos TESTIN Norm to see if he wos bein ploperly A LURT n VIGILUNT.

Wos very stwange....... Wen Arnty Licky got bownceded, she suddenly decided to takez FLYING LESSUNS! (Hoomans iz very mysteriowse sumtimes) Arnty Licky DISSHAPPEARED into the sky for SUM TIME.

Then she came down n decideded to takez an ickle nap. (???) Thiz giveded me HEXCELLUNT HOPPORTUNITY to show Norm my SUPERIOR RESNUSCITATION SKILLZ.

Step 1. Makez sure Arnty Licky is breething wiv LOTZ of lickin her snowt. (Tryz to get NitWit tongue up snowt n in mowf for BESTEST REZULT - SLUuuurp)

Step 2. Kommence chest compreshun by BOWNCIN on Arnty Licky n STOMPIN on hur as smuch as possibubble. WAKE UPP, WAKE UPP!

IT WURKED, IT WURKED! Arnty Licky wos RETARDED from the DEDD. (We noo thiz coz she sed "Uuuuurgh", "Help" n "Gerrroff" a lot)

Unfurtunutly Mum wos snot so helppful coz she wos larfing too much, wot wos WELL IRRESPONSIBUBBLE. (Hurrumph)

Gudd fing mee n Norm wos ther to help!

WUFF

*HEXCITIN DAY*

Mum n mee iz goin to HAMMYLICKER NORVERN NITWITS wher I wos bornded - all thoze yeerz ago. (Nostalgik wuffs)

Fortunutly I gotted all my Mum'z gudd lukks n brainz n poor sistur Kylie (the slappur) hadd to make doo bein the UGLY STOOPID wun with the DODGY ANAL GLANDZ. Poor Kylie (he he he he.....)

(Er, you mean Honiahaka Northern Inuits! Ed)

HAMMYLICKER NORVERN NITWITS!!!!

... Hmmm, maybee haz gott spellin wrong? (Evun tho I iz BESTEST spellur in HOLE WURLD n snot many doggs can spell as swell as mee - hespeshley wen they iz ONLY 3 YEERS OLD - I sumtimez getts mixeded upp) Triez agin......

HammyLicker Suvvern Innits?
HoneyYucky Norvern InterTwits?
HammyYucka Gnawin IntoBits?
HoneyYummy Norvern InnyTitts?
HoniMucker Suvvern IntoTwits n Bits n Nits?
HamAttacker Norvern Idiots?

(Sigh. Ed)

Anywayz, WHEREVUR we iz goin - iz goin to be lotz of DUFFIN n BOWNCIN n STOMPIN n SPLASHIN n DIGGIN n ROLLIN IN MUKK!

Maybee evun sum nice foxx poo? (Hexcited n hopeful wuffs)

WUFF

TERRIBUBBLE, HEXAUSTIN DAY! Dad wented MISSIN!!!!!!

Tuk Dad for walkees. (Wos walkin WEELY weelly slowly as usual too so hadd to hurry him upp a bit - cum ON Dad)

Let Dad off leed n lefted him wonderin arownd, collektin poo n showtin 'Cana, Cana, CANA' wot is wot he likes to do. Hof corse like a gudd NitWit I justs HIGNOREDED him - cos I iz 'CALM HASSERTIVE' - n went runnin off likes I ALWAYZ do....

Fownded lotz of NOO FRENDS to play wiv n wos havin LUVLY TIME stomping throo bushez, eetin flowurz, bowncin on wabbitz (wabbitz is WELL BOWNCY) n rollin in mukk wen ALL OFF A SUDDUN, TERRIBUBBLE FING HAPPUNEDED!.........

DAD HADD DISAPEERDEDED!!!!!! (Shokkin gasps)

WOT A PANIK! Sercheded for Dad EVRYWHER but snowher to bee sniffed (or seen)!

In feeld? No
Behind Poo Binn? No
In Wabbit hole? No
Fallun in rivur? No
Disguyzed as Dukk? No! Wher? Wher? Wher?

Must hinform MISSIN POOSENS! Wot if Dad haz bin SNAFFLEDED by norty HOOMAN RUSTLERS? (Grrr) Qwickk, must himform 'INTERPOO' so doggys ALL ARWOND WURLD can serch for hims.

Poor Dad. :o/ Wot if he iz losted n HALONE sumwher wivowt mee? :o(

Then..... Very stwange fing....... Fownded Dad...... UP A TREE?!!
?????? :o/

Wot a releef! Won't need Missin Poosens or InterPoo aftur all.

Will nevur leeve Dad alone on walkees now, in case getts losted agin. Phew!

WUFF

HOOMAN SITTIN

Had Mostest himpawtunt job at wee-kend. Wos HOOMAN SITTIN.

Mum n Dad wented away to weeding (Wedding. Ed) wot ment mee, Cana (Wurld's Bestest Furry-Sitter) lukked aftur my brovver Joel ALL ON MYS OWN. (PROWD WUFFS)

Poor ickle Joel is 19 in hooman yeers wot makez him ONLY 6 MUNTHS OLDED in furry yeers. He is a poor ickle wickle baby hooman-pup n SNOT CAPABUBBLE of lukkin afturn himself. Awww

CANA TO THE RESQUE!

Chekk list:
1. Is JoelPup gettin up at stoopid-o-clock to goez owt for wee-wees? NO? Wantz to stay inns bed til 12????? Is snot alloweded. Gett up JoelPup, is 5 O'Clokk n timez for play!

2. Iz JoelPup eetin propurly? All JoelPup's fud musted be HINSPECTUD ploperly for DANGEROWSE FINGS. All meeltimez must be CLOSELY SUPERVISEDED (n preferabubbly tasted too).

But... Wot'z thiz? JoelPup haz vizitur? (Cue lotz of suspiciowse sniffin)
Iz NOO GURL HOOMAN n iz sittin VERY CLOSE to Joel on sofa! WOT TO DO? WOT TO DO?

Only wun fing forit. Sqweeze inbetween JoelPup n NooGurl so they iz sitting at REESONBUBBLE N SAFE DISTUNCE so NORTY, HUNEXPECTEDED or HUNPRECIDUNTED BEHAVIUR (wot iz snot on chekk list!) cannot HOCCUR!

Ther - thatz bettur! JoelPup, Mee n NooGurl ALL ONS THE SOFA TOGEVVER. Now, wotz on the telly? 'BRITONS GOT TALONS' -
WUFF!

*HIMPAWTUNT ANNOWNCMUNT* NOOS FLUSH*

Sea Monsturs spottud in puddlez ALL AROWND the plaice.

Thiz wun wos fownded neer Slapperery Heights in Knobworth - wot is stwange cos that is wher my situr Kylie (the slappur) livs!

Theze is HEXTREMELY FEERSUM creetures wot SHUD SNOT BEE HAPPROACHED. They iz WELL UGLY n iz capububble of causin DEAFF wiv just wun lukk from itz terribubble face! (Shokkin gasps)

Memburs of Publik is hadviseded to take simpul precawshuns:-
- Don't carry any snakks (giv them to sumwun else.... like mee!)
- Don't leeve any poo lyin arownd. Sea Monsturs luv poo!
- Be carful to lokk upp fings like curtuns, moobile fones, hoovur hattachmuntz cos they willz HATTRAKT the sea monstur cos it wills want to EET THEMS.

If yoo seez wun, be sure to giv it a GUDD DUFFIN, justed to bee on safe side.

Remembur BE A LURT N VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMESZ!

WUFF.

Thort for tuday..... In the Car.

Car jurneys is stwange fings. My jobb is HOBSURVE everyfing n keepz a LUKK OWT. Iz very HEXCITIN cos wee cans broom arownd for AGES n wen wee stopps, sumfing HIMPAWTUNT happuns!

NitWits (like mee!) must bee HESPESHLY VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ wot is HOOGE respunsibilility cos HEXCITIN n HIMPAWTUNT fings can eesily be misseded by Mum n Dad wot wud be DISASTUR! :o(

Hexumple..... wented owt in car on HEXCITIN MUNDAY (see below. Ed). I wos keepin LUKK OWT as usual n bein VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ (untils I gots a bit sleepy n had an ickle snooze).
Then - ALLS OF A SUDDUN we is in Arnty Biff's road (!) wot is wher Murky Manor is!!! WOT A SHOKK! Hows did that happun????

Gud fing wos bein SPESHLY VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ like gud NitWit cos wos able to LOWDLY ALURT Mum to HIMPENDIN DOOM by lotz of WHININ, STOMPIN arownd n TAPP DANCIN wiv my pawz.

Wivowt mee, Mum wud hav gonned STRATE PAST Murky Manor wot meens wee wud NEVUR hav seend Arnty Biff n Bonkers n Bubblez n wud hav drivun arownd HAIMLESSLY for EVUR n probubly bee WELL DEDDED n THEN WHER WUD WE BEE????? Wuf hav bin TERRIBUBBLE DISASTUR!!!!

Gud fing I hasd bin practicin my SUPURIOR WHININ N STOMPIN SKILLZ overwize ALLS WUD HAV BIN LOSTED!!!