HOOGE HEXCITIN WALKEES

Wented for HOOGE HEXCITIN WALKEES. on HUMPSTED HEAPS!
(Hampstead Heath! Ed)

Wos WELL HEXCITIN. Wos lots n lots of doggys wot wos all bein A LURT n VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ n doin very himpawtunt fings like HINVESTIGATIN WILDLIF CONVERSATION n conducktin SERIOWSE SCIENTIFFIK STUDDEES.

Seriowse scientifik study number wun:
How many sqwirls (er, SQUIRRILS! Ed) can runn WEELY WEELY fast?
Answer: LOTZ OF THEMS!

Seriowse scientifik study numbur too:
Does posh Humpsted doggees wot havs luvly white fur like bein BOWNCED on by HOOGE BOWNCY MUDD COVURED CANAS?
Answer: YES! Luvly white Humpsted doggees LUVVEDED bein COVVEREDED in mudd n gettin rid of horribubble cleen soapy smellz. (Yuk)

Seriowse scientifik study number thwee:
Wot is bestest fing to rolls in? (Twikky multipupple choice qwestion)
a) Mudd wot is neer 'My Howse' in 'My Town'
b) Posh Humpsted mudd
c) HOOGE MAVISS PUDDLEZ
d) Poo
e) All of abuve
Answer: Snot possibubble to answere question plopperly as manny more yeerz of studdy is necessessary so thiz HIMPAWTUNT SCIENTIFFIK PHENOMENOMUN can be fully HEXPLOREDED.

WUFF

'FOR THE LUV OF MOGGS'

Hav becum HADDICTED to PAUL O'GROWLDY show 'FOR THE LUV OF MOGGS'.

Iz all abowt poor loonly hoomans wot don't hav doggs to lukk aftur thems. Poor hoomans is COMPLEETLY owt of control n RUNNIN AMUCK wiv no CALM HASSERTIVE doggees to HENFORCE rulez n limitashuns on thems n end up BEREFT wiv LOONINESS!
(Er, you mean 'lonliness'. Ed)

Wen Mum n Dad n JoelPup n Mee is wotchin it, Mum is alwayz cryin ovur poor ickly hoomans n sayin she wantz anovver puppy.
Wotz that?
ANOVVER PUPPY??
OVVER THAN MEE????? Grrrr ....

Lukkily Dad seys 'NO! Wun NitWit is mor than enuff trubble, fank you very much'.
(Wot is hooman speek for 'Cana is bestest doggy in HOLE WURLD)

Then Mum getz all huffy n seys Dad iz crool n hartluss hooman.

Snot all Mr O'Growldy-hooman seys is troo tho.
Sumtimez he seys fings wot is COMPLEETLY BONKERS.
Thiz week he sed doggs need 14 hourz sleeps a day.
14 HOURZ?!!!! ... 14 HOURZ?????

That wud makes mee an HINSOMNIAC!!! Doggys (hespeshly celebretitty wuns) need AT LEEST 19 HOURZ a day, sumtimes up to 26 HOURZ if they havs bin wurkin HESPESHLY HARD.

WUFF!

HOOLIDAYS

Terribubble Terribubble fing happuned ...... Mum n Dad went on HOOLIDAYS n lefted mee behind!!!

Hoolidayz is wen yoo go owt wiv big bagz (like biggest most hoogest poo bag EVUR, but BIGGUR n not wiv poo init) n then don't cum bakk for AGES n AGES n then wen yoo do, yoo is COMPLEETLY DIFFRUNT COLOUR!!!! ????

Mum n Dad wented on hoolidayz for 6 HOLE munfs! (wot is wun week in hooman yeerz) Wot wos EVUN WORSTED wos poor ickle JoelPup got lefted behind as swell!

Thiz wos HOOGE RESPONSIBILITITTY for me (responsibubble NitWit n A LURT n VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ) cos JoelPup is 19 hooman yeerz old (wot is only 6 munfs in NitWit yeerz!) wot meenz he needud LOTZ of LUKKIN AFTUR.
(Cue responsibubble n himpawtunt wuffs)

JoelPup wos SO TRAUMATIZZYED he developupped SERIOWSE BEHAVIOUR PROBLUMS like:
eetin nuffin but pizza, chokklit n toste
sleepin in the daytime n wakey-uppin in the nite time (???)

Wos very very WORRYIN. Gud fing I wos here!

Wots smore ... evun neybuz wot live nexted-dor-but-wun develupupped TRAUMATIZZYING behaviour too n kept cummin rownd wen JoelPup wos owt n DEMANDIN WALKEES ALL THE TIMEZ!!!

Wot wos goin on? Wos no-wum able to likk aftur themsevles???
Wos weely, weely hard wurk lukkin aftur JoelPup AND takin next-dor-but-wuns owt for walkees as swell. Hardly gotted a MOMUNTZ PEES n sumtimes only munaged 18 hourz sleeps a day!

Nevur mind. Mum n Dad is bakk now n all iz normul.
(Excupt for stwange hooman colour change that iz, hav trieded n trieded to likk it off, but is snot wurkin .... Grrr)