*CHRISTMUSH PREPURATSHUNS*

Here I ams helpin Mum wiv sum bakin for Crispmush. (Bakin is bit like barkin, but wivowt the noisy bits or doorbell ringin)

Mum wos makin CAKES!!! N we all know how DANGEROWSE they is don't we???? Poor Mum needud STRIKT NITWIT SUPERVISSION.
Sumtimez a bit of dangerowse cake wud fallz on the floor n wud be in dangur of POYSENING sum poor HUNSUSPECTIN hooman wot cud be lyin on the floor, havin an ickle nap n decide to havs a snakk!!
Gudd fing I wos there to tidy up HOFFENDING bitz of cake.

Crispmush is a time for spreddin sneezonal joy n dogwill to all, (Doggees is HESPESHLY gudd at thiz) n wos startud many many yeerz agoo wiv the commin of the Baby Cheeses. (Er...? Ed)

Remembur hoomans, Doggees is snot just for life yoo know, they is for CRIPSMUSH!

WUFF.

Iz Mee agin, Cana!

Here I ams givin sum technitickle support to doggees wot got into a bit of a kerfuffle printin owt my calendar:

"Helloo? Helloo? Yez, is NitWit Technitickle support line, Cana speekin, how can I helps yoo?
Wot's that? Yor paws is too big for compooter keys?
Gett yor hooman to do it for yoo. Only wiv STRIKT SUPERVISSION from NitWits tho. Make sure yoo havs the PAKK LEEDUR'S permissun befor yoo print it owt too.
Don't bovver wiv May eithur, it's only gott m...y sistur Kylie on it!"

"Yes, haz ALL OVVER MONTHS of 2031. Yes, they is in CORREKT ordur!
Yes, incloods songs, 'Mingin' in the Rain n 'Anal Glands' n MUCH MUCH MORE!
Of course, will make WELL HEXCITIN Crishpmush pressunt!
Yez, is big enuff to cover nasty stain on wall wot happuned HACCIDUNTILY wen yoo sikked up yummy DeddFing."

"OK, yoo're welcum, iz anyfing else wot I can help yoo wiv tuday? No? Havs a nice day then. Fank yoo."

"Hello, NitWit Technitickle support line, Cana speekin....."

For a FREE Cana calendar, just click on the link below:

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B-kAA2gyo4KBcVZkeGFOaHhxX3M

*HEXCITIN NOOS*

(Cana's editor here.  Cana has been working very hard on her PERSONALISED CALENDAR.
Yes! You heard it here first!
Contains:
All the months of 2013 - in the correct order!
Great photos of Cana doing "Hexcitin fings"
Your favourite songs such as "Mingin' in the Rain" and "Anal Glands"
Words of wisdom on how to live life the Cana way, such as "Cana's guide to CPR" and "A Dog's Guide to Yoga".
Not only that, but Cana's calendar is FREE to download.
Just click on the link below and print out on your computer.
Ideal for late Christmas presents, espcially for "hoomans wot need speshal trainin".)
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B-kAA2gyo4KBcVZkeGFOaHhxX3M

Cana the Red-Nosed NitWit
Had a very shiny nose
And if yoo evur saw her
Yoo wud evun say it glowed

All of the ovver NitWits
Used to larf n call her names (Yes reelly!!!)
They wudn't let poor Cana
Play in any NitWit gamez (Grrr)

Then wun starry Crispmush eve
Satna came to saaay
Cana wiv yor nose so brite
Won't yoo drive the sleigh toonite?
(Er, don't you mean 'guide'? Ed)

Well how the bunnys all scarpered
The pussycats jumped like they had fleez
Cana the red-nosed NitWit
Drove Satna's sleigh into a tree!
(Yee Ha!)

Then how the doggees partied
As they bownced arownd wiv glee,
Cana the Red-Nosed NitWit,
You'll go down in historeeeey.

WUFF!

SERIOWSE WEATHUR WARNIN from the MUTT OFFICE!!!

*HIMPAWTUNT NOOS*
SERIOWSE WEATHUR WARNIN from the MUTT OFFICE!!!

Snow, snow, snow snow snow snow AND MORE SNOW will bee fallin ALL OVUR THE PLACE.
Mosted HAFFECTED areaz is:
My Howse
NextDoorButWun's Howse
Bonkers Bella's Howse (Murky Manor)
My sistur KylieTheSlappur's howse (Slapperery Heights)
The park
The path down to the park
The door stepp.

Is WELL HEXCITIN! Bestest fings abowt snow is:
Gudd for stompin in
Snow is gudd for rollin in (sumtimes even get HUNEXPECTED SURPRISE POO to rolls in, wot is SNEEKILY hidin undur snow - Thiz makez fings EVUN BETTUR)
Gudd for makin tunnelz in
Hoomans can make snow into LOTZ n LOTZ n LOTZ of BALLS wot they thro arownd EVERYWHER for us doggees to chase n STOMP ON
EVUN BETTUR - yoo can EET snow ballz wen yoo get thursty from all that BOWNCIN (nom nom nom....)
(Snow is gud for BOWNCIN in)
Gudd for makin SURPRISE n HUNEXPECTED pulls on the leed wot makes hoomans go VERY FAST to the park "Cum on hoomans, HURRY UPP"
Gudd for findin WABBIT POO, wot is weelly weely eesy to find on snow
Gudd for spottin WEES by ovvur doggs wot turn snow a luvly YELLOW colour

Snow is gudd for lotz of fings!

(THIS WEATHUR WARNIN WOS BROUGHT TO YOO BY CANA - PAKK LEEDER N CHIEF MUTTERIOLOGIST AT THE MUTT OFFICE)

WUFF!

*Thort for Tuday*

THE TERRIBUBBLE DANGURS OF CAKE!!!!

Here I ams tryin to save Dad from an HAGONIZIN n PAINFUL DEFF from that well known hooman conditshun 'TOOMUCHCAKEYITIS'.

An HAMAZIN n SHOKKING coincidunce (n wun wot most hoomans is COMPLEETLY UNAWARES OFF) is that, just like chokklit, cake is BAD for hoomans, but GUDD FOR DOGGS!

Wippet-edia cleerly states that sum hoomans is VIOLUNTLY HALLERGIC to cake n can go into HAMOPHILACITIC shokk from the smallestest ickle morsul of TINY WEENY cake!

Evun if theys don't go into SHOKK, cake causes SERIOWSE LONG TERM, 'TOOMUCHCAKEYITIS' HELLTH PROBLUMS like:

Haddictshun n OCD (Obsessive Cake Disordur)
Badd teefs (hardly wurth mentionin as hoomans hav such teeny weeny hembarressingly ickle teefs anwayz)
Growin into HOOGE HOOMANS (hoomans wot eet cake can becum 4 TIMEZ THER NORMUL SIZE!) Thiz can leed to HASSOCIATED DIFFICULTITTIES like:
*snot wantin to gett up from couch
*snot bein able to go for walkeez (shokked n happalled wuffs!)
*snot bein able to go out n buy bonez!!!!

Fortunitwitly, (cos I ams ALURT n VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ) Dad haz mee to lukk aftur him n save him from thiz TERRIBUBBLE FATE.
As yoos can see, the HADICTSHUN wos ALLREDDY TAKIN HOLD tho, cos Dad WEELY didn't want to part wiv his TERRIBUBBLE DANGERWOSE CAKE n needed LOTZ OF PERSUADIN.

WUFF!

NOO POOSIDENT!

*Very Hexcitin Noos*

UNITED STEAKS OF HAMERICA HAS NOO POOSIDENT!
Yes, last week, all Hamerican doggees voted for mosted CALM, HASSERTIVE PAKK LEEDUR; the Poosident.
Poosident 'Bo', wot also happuns to own famowse Hamerican hooman, Barack O'Barmy wos HELECTED.  Has yoos can see, Bo is blakk n wite (like mee!) n will therfor be HEXCELLENT at bringin togevver all kindz of doggees under wun peesful philosifluffy of mutt-ual HUNDERSTANDIN. WUFF!
Long, long ago, Presidunt Roosesmelt givved ALL DOGGYS, (blakk, wite, grey, brown, muddy, fluffy, snot-so-fluffy, stinky, bigg, smallz, poynty eerz, droopy eerz - "yes, yes, we all get the idea. Ed")
He givved them all CIVIL BITES.
Civil Bites (like wot I do) is VERY VERY GUDD FINGS.
(Snot BadFing biting, buts Gudd Fing, HAFFECTIONATE nibbling) Theyz meanz that ALL DOGGS iz allowded to:
* Hav nice homez n beddz to sleeps in.
* Take part in POOLITICAL demon-strations.
* Go on strike. (Also known as 'snoozin')
* Roll arownd in mudd. (V HIMPAWTUNT)
* Same as abov, but in poo.
* Same as abov, but on DeddFings
* Same as abov, but in puddlez
* Same as abov, but in any smelly, stinky, slimy fing wot is HAPPROPRIATE for rollin in.
Fank Guddness for Poosident Roosesmelt n Civil Bites.
Well dunn Bo!  WUFF.

CHOKKLIT

SHOKKIN NOOS FLUSH:
*CHOKKLIT IS SNOT BAD FOR DOGGEES*

Yes! At lasted, the noos wot we havs ALL BIN WAITIN FOR! Scientits at the Unifursitity of Wolfy-humpton hav discuvvered the HAMAZIN TRUTH.

Well brainy Collies, wot havs taken a sebatichuckle away from ther normul jobbs teechin farmerz hows to whistle propurly, hav condukted HEXPERIMUNTZ n prooved that hoomanz hav bin TELLIN HORRIBUBBLE LIES to doggs for YEERZ so's they can KEEPZ ALL THE LUVLY CHOKKLIT FOR THEMSULVES!!!

(Shokked n HAPPALLED wuffs) Yes, is terribubble but troo.

Lie numbur 1: "chokklit is badd for yor teefs"
NO! Chokklit is GUDD for teefs. Makez thems SHARP n POYNTY n gudd for Grrrr-ing at fings.

Lie numbur 2: "chokklit makez yoo FATTS"
NO! Chokklit helpz yoo to LOOSE fatts cos wen yoo is eetin it, yoo is snot eetin ovver fings like dogg fud.

Lie numbur 3. "chokklit is POYSNOWSE for doggs"
NO NO NO NO!!!! Chokklit is gudd for doggs n makez themz EXTRA EXTWEEMLY well behaved n do EVERYFING wot hoomanz ask thems n walk NICELY on nasty leedz n even COME BAKK THE FURST TIMEZ THEY IS CALLED n snot even roll in POO or stomp in MUDD or ROLL AROWND in DEDDFINGS or eetz WABBIT POO n will be hoomanz BESTEST FRENDS for EVERMORE!!!

There yooz are! LISTEN HOOMANS - CHOKKLIT IS GUDD FOR DOGGS (n BADD for hoomans). WUFF!

(All 'hoomans' please disregard the above. Sadly, although making a supreme effort to convince us otherwise, Cana is talking complete boll**ks! Ed)

HOOGE HEXCITIN WALKEES

Wented for HOOGE HEXCITIN WALKEES. on HUMPSTED HEAPS!
(Hampstead Heath! Ed)

Wos WELL HEXCITIN. Wos lots n lots of doggys wot wos all bein A LURT n VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ n doin very himpawtunt fings like HINVESTIGATIN WILDLIF CONVERSATION n conducktin SERIOWSE SCIENTIFFIK STUDDEES.

Seriowse scientifik study number wun:
How many sqwirls (er, SQUIRRILS! Ed) can runn WEELY WEELY fast?
Answer: LOTZ OF THEMS!

Seriowse scientifik study numbur too:
Does posh Humpsted doggees wot havs luvly white fur like bein BOWNCED on by HOOGE BOWNCY MUDD COVURED CANAS?
Answer: YES! Luvly white Humpsted doggees LUVVEDED bein COVVEREDED in mudd n gettin rid of horribubble cleen soapy smellz. (Yuk)

Seriowse scientifik study number thwee:
Wot is bestest fing to rolls in? (Twikky multipupple choice qwestion)
a) Mudd wot is neer 'My Howse' in 'My Town'
b) Posh Humpsted mudd
c) HOOGE MAVISS PUDDLEZ
d) Poo
e) All of abuve
Answer: Snot possibubble to answere question plopperly as manny more yeerz of studdy is necessessary so thiz HIMPAWTUNT SCIENTIFFIK PHENOMENOMUN can be fully HEXPLOREDED.

WUFF

'FOR THE LUV OF MOGGS'

Hav becum HADDICTED to PAUL O'GROWLDY show 'FOR THE LUV OF MOGGS'.

Iz all abowt poor loonly hoomans wot don't hav doggs to lukk aftur thems. Poor hoomans is COMPLEETLY owt of control n RUNNIN AMUCK wiv no CALM HASSERTIVE doggees to HENFORCE rulez n limitashuns on thems n end up BEREFT wiv LOONINESS!
(Er, you mean 'lonliness'. Ed)

Wen Mum n Dad n JoelPup n Mee is wotchin it, Mum is alwayz cryin ovur poor ickly hoomans n sayin she wantz anovver puppy.
Wotz that?
ANOVVER PUPPY??
OVVER THAN MEE????? Grrrr ....

Lukkily Dad seys 'NO! Wun NitWit is mor than enuff trubble, fank you very much'.
(Wot is hooman speek for 'Cana is bestest doggy in HOLE WURLD)

Then Mum getz all huffy n seys Dad iz crool n hartluss hooman.

Snot all Mr O'Growldy-hooman seys is troo tho.
Sumtimez he seys fings wot is COMPLEETLY BONKERS.
Thiz week he sed doggs need 14 hourz sleeps a day.
14 HOURZ?!!!! ... 14 HOURZ?????

That wud makes mee an HINSOMNIAC!!! Doggys (hespeshly celebretitty wuns) need AT LEEST 19 HOURZ a day, sumtimes up to 26 HOURZ if they havs bin wurkin HESPESHLY HARD.

WUFF!

HOOLIDAYS

Terribubble Terribubble fing happuned ...... Mum n Dad went on HOOLIDAYS n lefted mee behind!!!

Hoolidayz is wen yoo go owt wiv big bagz (like biggest most hoogest poo bag EVUR, but BIGGUR n not wiv poo init) n then don't cum bakk for AGES n AGES n then wen yoo do, yoo is COMPLEETLY DIFFRUNT COLOUR!!!! ????

Mum n Dad wented on hoolidayz for 6 HOLE munfs! (wot is wun week in hooman yeerz) Wot wos EVUN WORSTED wos poor ickle JoelPup got lefted behind as swell!

Thiz wos HOOGE RESPONSIBILITITTY for me (responsibubble NitWit n A LURT n VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ) cos JoelPup is 19 hooman yeerz old (wot is only 6 munfs in NitWit yeerz!) wot meenz he needud LOTZ of LUKKIN AFTUR.
(Cue responsibubble n himpawtunt wuffs)

JoelPup wos SO TRAUMATIZZYED he developupped SERIOWSE BEHAVIOUR PROBLUMS like:
eetin nuffin but pizza, chokklit n toste
sleepin in the daytime n wakey-uppin in the nite time (???)

Wos very very WORRYIN. Gud fing I wos here!

Wots smore ... evun neybuz wot live nexted-dor-but-wun develupupped TRAUMATIZZYING behaviour too n kept cummin rownd wen JoelPup wos owt n DEMANDIN WALKEES ALL THE TIMEZ!!!

Wot wos goin on? Wos no-wum able to likk aftur themsevles???
Wos weely, weely hard wurk lukkin aftur JoelPup AND takin next-dor-but-wuns owt for walkees as swell. Hardly gotted a MOMUNTZ PEES n sumtimes only munaged 18 hourz sleeps a day!

Nevur mind. Mum n Dad is bakk now n all iz normul.
(Excupt for stwange hooman colour change that iz, hav trieded n trieded to likk it off, but is snot wurkin .... Grrr)

Sad, sad fing.....

Very sadd fing huppuned....
Bestest frend Raoul (pussy-catt n honororory NitWit) got sikk n didn't eet.
We wos all worreed abowt him n Mum n Dad kepted takin him owt for walkees in a box (wot wos very stwange cos they lefted mee behind!) n then commin bakk n wisperin n lukkin at Raoul n then Mum started cryin.
Cos I am a gud NitWit n A LURT n VIGILUNT at ALL timez, I decidud to help everywun n stop eetin too!
Trieded likkin Raoul a lott to wake himm upp a bit, but didn't wurk. Then I trieded lyin arownd n mopin alot but THAT didn't wurk eiver! Wot to do?
Then Mum n Dad sed they wos takin Raoul owt so he cud go to sleep (???)
Mum n Dad came bakk wiv sumfing wot lukked like Raoul, but wos snot Raoul - sumfing dedded?
They tuk LukksLikeRaoulSumfingDeddedFing in the gardun n dugged a BIG hole forit.
(Trieded to help thems dig the hole, but Dad sed he was fine, fank yoo n didn't need any help)
It wos very sad ......
Decided to carry on snot eeting for a while, cos I is a helpful NitWit, but now, cos is 6 munfs latur (wot is 1 WEEK in hooman yeers) I am feelin bit bettur n eetin agin.
Miss my frend Raoul tho. He wos my BESTEST frend.

:o(

Tyrrano-Tortoise Rex

Went to see Arnty Lurraine n Unkle Twit (Uncle Nick! - sorry Nick, Cana can be SO embarressing sometimes - Ed) for Arnty Lurraine's buffday.

Gudd fing I wos being A LURT n VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMES tho, cos SHOKKIN FING HAPPUNED - hooge stone wot wos in the gardun SUDDUNLY GROWEDED LEGGS n startud WALKIN AROWND!!!!

(Wos WELL SCARY. Evun mee - wurld's furst supur a lurt n vigilunt NitWit n bravust doggy EVUR wos scareded!)

Then.... realizeded wot had happuned..... Stone wos snot reely stone AT ALL, but TERRIBUBBLE FIURCE N FUROCIOWSE DINOSNORE from HANCIENT TIMEZ wot had cummed to life agin in Arnty Lurraine n Unkle Stikk's (NICK! Ed) gardun!

Yes, it wos a TYRANNO-TORTOISE REX!!!

Wot wos wurse, NO WUN ELSE SEEMED TO REALIZE THE DANGUR! Gud fing I wos arownd. (Cue prowd n himpawtunt wuffs)

Furst I STAREDED HINTENTLY at norty Tyrannotortoise wiv my SUPER NITWIT POWERZ n then HUFFED at it a lot (THAT showeded it!) n then did my SUPUR HOWLY WUFFIN at it until Arnty Lurraine sed I had to cum in cos I wos goin to wake the neybores n anywayz I wos scarin Speedy. (???)
(Speedy? Who iz Speedy? Hurrumph. Don't yoo REALIZE the dangur???? We cud ALL END UP DEDDED!)

Kylie n Zeeb wos WELL USELUSS too. Kylie didn't evun seem to REALIZE we wos ALL IN TERRIBUBBLE DANGUR of losing our lives (n possibubbly our tails as swell) to awfull PREHYSTERIC MONSTUR! Zeeb did bit of huffin, but (cos he is snot the sharpust claw on the paw - bless him) didn't reelly know wot we wos huffin at n givved up.

(Sighs.... ) Gudd fing Cana the SUPUR NITWIT wos ther!
"KEEPS CALM EVERYWUN!"

Anywayz, despite poor Arnty Lurraine (who livs in La La Land!) bein HOBLIVIOWSE to the terribubble Tyrannotortoise owtside I remained A LURT n VIGILUNT n continooed STARIN HINTENTLY at bad dinosnore n huffin at it. Grrrr.

Here I ams keepin an eye on fings....

Arnty Lurraine musted hav realized I saved everywun from INSTUNT DEDDEDNESS tho, cos she givved mee a HOOGE bone to takez away wiv mee. Fank yoo Arnty Lurraine!

Nom, nom, nom...... WUFF

G4S

Shokked n HAPPALLED at TERRIBUBBLE NOOS.....

G4S haz lett down O'LUMPIK hoomans!!!!

How cans 4 Germun Shepperds be SO badd at lukkin aftur hoomans???? Iz EESY!

Shud hav had NitWits instedd. We is bestest at lukkin aftur poor stoopid hoomans wot wud wandur arownd HAIMLESSLY n gett losted n runned ovur by carz n stuff wivowt NitWits to lukk aftur thems.

Iz very responsibubble job HOF CORSE! Yoo must be A LURT n VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMES. (Hexcept wen yoo iz hasleep, wot is only for HAPPROXIMUTTLY 19 hourz a day -sumtimez more if bin wurkin espeshly hard. All the rest of the time, we iz A LURT n VIGILUNT)

Must use yor SUPUR NITWIT POWERZ to identittyfy smallest MOST ICKLE risk. For HEXAMPUPPLE...

- Iz that stikk ovur ther goin to turn into HOOGE SNAKE n kill poor defunceless hooman?
(Bettur run offs wiv it n chomp intoo ickle peeces just in case)

- Cud stinky, muddy ditch be full of FUROCIOUSE, LURKIN CROCCADILLS, waitin to SNAFFLE poor hooman n eetz them?
(Gud NitWit must throwz themself in murky ditch n stomp arownd n make HABSOLUTELY sure is safe) - Thiz last wun haz HOBVIOWSE benefit of covuring NitWit in mud wot is HESSENTIAL for NitWit DISGUYSE. No wun will recognize yoo now!

Iz very small, ickle-wickle insect WAY OVUR ACROSS THE FEELD (wot yoo is able to spot wiv yor SUPER NITWIT POWERZ) reely a DANGEROWSE n FIURCE INTROODER waitin to HAMBUSH poor hooman???
(Bettur go runnin off at TOP SPEED, hignorin callz from poor stoopid HOBLIVIOUS hooman, n chekk owt dangerowse insect. - Wunce yoo hav dunned this, feel fwee to just hang arownd a bit n spend time chewin the flowurz befor VERY SLOWLY makin yor way bakk {via HOOGE DITCH - see eerlier croccadill a lurt!} to hooman wot is probubbly getting ALL HET UP like wot hoomans do cos they iz snot CALM HASSERTIVE like wot doggees is. Well, hexcetp Germun Shepperds that is, wot CLEERLY CAN'T BE TRUSTEDED! Grr)

Don't worry poor O'lumpik hoomans. NitWits is here to protekt yoo!

(Btw, Dad seys thiz makes me 'speshal'!!! Wot dus he meen?)

O'Lympics (again)

Hav bin watchin the O'Lumpics wiv great HINTEREST n CONCENTRASHUN. (Of corse bein a responsibubble NitWit I is A LURT n VIGILUNT at all timez. Except wen I is HASLEEP.)

Hav bin HINSPIREDED by Mikkul Yelps (Er, Phelps! Ed) in the swimmin n splashin contest. Hav decideded to train REELY HARD n be BESTEST swimmur n splashurer EVUR! (Sumfing wot I showeded Mum yesturday wen I tuk HOOGE, FLYIN LEEP in...

...to the rivur n splashed n splashed n splashed n soaked EVERYWUN for MILEZ AROWND!)

I iz bettur evun than Bonkers Bella whoo finks she is most bestestest swimmur, but reelly it is MEE. (I just don't like deep watur very much n gettin my eerz wet.)

Poor Bonkers is snot very gudd at fings anywayz cos she is 'speshal' - if yoos snow wot I min ;o) - n so, cos I iz a CELEBRETITTY NitWit wiv HOOGE RESPONSIBILITITTIES n is lukked up to like a GOD by ovver poor less fortunut NitWits (like Bonkers) I must be GRASHIOUS to poor 'speshal' fings n let thems fink they iz gudd at sumfing. Awww.....

Poor 'speshal' NitWits :o(
Poor Kylie (my sister, - the ugly wun).
Poor Bonkers ('speshal').
Poor, sad Norm (Storm! Ed) - who is star-strukk pup n HOBSESSED wiv mee. (N sadly turnin intoo a bit of a storker hactually.......)

Is snot ther fault they is snot bootiful, taluntitted litturery genie-usses like me.

Nevur mind :o) Off for sum more swimmin trainin. WUFF!

O'LYMPICS

Is WELL HIMPAWTUNT fing goin on in HOOMAN WURLD.

Iz called the "O'LYMPICS" (wot wos startud in I-Lund - 'Ireland. Ed' - a long long time agoo) n is wen poor hoomans tryz n throwz themselvz arownd like doggees.

Thiz is cos hoomans hav HINFERIORITITTY chomplexes cos theyz only havs 2 leggs n ICKLE, ICKLE teeny teefs n iz SNOW GUDD at HIMPAWTUNT fings like duffin, stompin on fings, chewin tablez n...

rollin in mudd.

Thiz is why theyz BANN doggees from all HEVENTS!! (Shokked n HAPPALLED wuffs) cos wee wud DUFF themz at EVERYFING! (Snot fair - Grrr)

Fings wot hoomanz do to tryz n makez themselvz feel bettur.....

1. Chasin wabbitz reeely weely fast cos theyz needs a gudd duffin. (100 metre sprint? Ed)

2. Find luvly patch of mudd n throwin yooself innit asqwikklyaspossibubble befor Dadd seez yoo. (Long jump! Ed)

3. Steelin sumwun else'z stikk from thems (wot is reely yor stikk, theys just don't knows it yett) n runnin reely fast so theyz can't catch yoo. (Er..... 100 metre relay? Ed)

4. Duffin up sumwun gudd n proppur. (Boxing Ed.)

5. Duffin up sumwun gudd n proppur n then holdin thems down in FIURCE NitWit hedd lock n BOWNCIN in thems so ther is SNOW MORE DUFFIN for thems! (Hmmm, er.... oh yes - Judo! Ed)

6. Feelin weely HEXCITED cos yoo fownded HOOGE, LONG stikk n feelin WELL PLEEZED wiv yooself n HACCIDUNTLY runnin betweens 2 treez, but havs EVUR SO SLIGHTLY mis-judgeded it n then HOOGE stikk getts STUKK n yoos end upp n a BIGG HEEP n then hav to pretund that yoos ment to doo it all the time HANYWAYZ. (What????!!!! - thinks - ...... the pole vault!!! :o) Ed.)

Moor hooman O'lympic hantics next time.

WUFF!

Song

(Ahem - coughs - Cana's Editor here.
Cana has decided to cheer everyone up with a song about the British weather. Not that she minds the constant rain, but she is worried about the effect it's having on us poor 'hoomans'. She's a little nervous, but here it is. Quiet everyone please....)

"I’m MINGIN’ in the rain
Just Mingin’ ins the RAIN
Wot a gloriowse feelin'
I’m FILTHY agin
I’m bowncin’ in th...

e ditch
N stompin’ throo the grass
The sun’z in my hart
N I’m reddy fur mud
Let the NitWits all chase
All the bunnees from the place (Grrr)
Come on wiv the poo bag
Ther’s a smile on my face (Eeee-Ya!) :o)
I BOWNCE down the lane
All covered in stainz
Just mingin’
Mingin’ in the raaaaaain

Bowncin’ n Mingin’ in the raaaaaain…. la le la la, wuff we wuff wuff....

(Hadishonal verse)

Why am I smilin’?
Why do I sing? (Sing??? Er…Ed.)
Why duz thiz summer
Seem sunny for mee?
Why do I gett up
Eech morning n fart?
Happy n head up
Wiv a joy in my hart? (Well THAT’s true! Ed)
Why iz eech noo task
A trifle to do?
Cos I’m livin’
A life full of pooooo.

La le la la, wuff we wuff wuff....

WUFF!

*FUR HEMURGENCY!!*

Tuk Mum n Dad for walkees, but insted of goin to parkk like wot we shudded hav dun, theyz HINSISTED on goin in HOPPOSITE DIRECTSHUN, Grrr.
Tried to tellz them wos ALL WRONG using my SUPUR NITWIT POWERZ:-
Dugged my pawz in n REFOOSEDED to moove,
Did TEN-TON-BOTTUM impresshun,
STAREDED HINTENTLY in direktion of park,
but theyz tuk SNOW NOTICE!!!

Anywayz, decidud to letz them ...

1. fink they wos winnin (just thiz wunce) n be CALM HASSERTIVE.
   Town wos FULL OF HOOMANS tho :o/ Herds n Herds of thems wot wos WELL dangerowse fing cos hardly any of thems wos ON LEEDS!
   Theyz cud hav startud runnin arownd HUNSUPURVISED n causeded MAYHEM!!
   (Cue worreed wuffs)
   
   Fortunuttly ther wos lotz of doggees ON THE LUKK-OWT n A LURT n VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMES (like mee).
   I contakted them wiv my SUPUR NITWIT POWERZ by STARIN HINTENTLY>>>>>>>>>
   All of us doggees tuk our RESPONSIBILITITTYS very seriowsly.
   (Cue himpawtunt wuffs)
   
   Aftur bein A LURT n VIGILUNT for AGES we spotted a hooman DANGEROWSLY OWT OF KONTROLL n runnin arownd HUNSUPURVISED n OFF THE LEED, holding a HOOGE FURLAME in his paw!!!!
   (Hmm, was that the olympic flame? Ed)
   
   Wot to do? Wot to do?
   FUR, FUR, FUR!!! KEEP CALM HOOMANS! CANA THE NITWIT IS HERE TO PROTEKT YOO wiv FUR BRIGADE. Wuff, wuff, WUFF!
   
   Tried to bownce on silly OWT OF KONTROL hooman n save EVRYWUN n be CANA-THE-FUR-TWIT-WOT-SAVES-POOR-HOOMANS, but Dad wudn't lett mee. Grr.
   
   Decideded to do HOOGE POO insted.
   Ther, thatz bettur.
   Giveded Dad sumfing to do as well!
   
   WUFF!

*CRIME BOTCH UPDATE*

Hav bin very buzy NitWit tryin to solve TERRIBUBBLE MUDUR wot wos committud RITE OWTSIDE OUR HOWSE! (see below. Ed)

SHOKKING FING is MORE mudurs hav bin happuning, wiv DeddedFings EVRYWHERE! Wot to do? Wot to do????

Hup-to-date lizt of FINGSWOTHAVBINDEDDED:

Anuvver mowse
Two snailz (wot wos CALLOWSLY sqwished beyond ALL RECOGNISHUN on stepp owtside our frunt door! Hmm, mite hav bin mee - oops)
Wun baby burd
Wun EXTWEEMLY small ant
ANNOVER ant
Anovver ant
YET ANNOVER ant (er yes, I think we get the idea. Ed). May hav stomped on wun of antz mysulf, but wos an HACCIDUNT!
Annover snail - Fortunuttly snot Terrence-the-Snail wot livs in the gardun, but pozzibly wun of hiz many relativs :o(

*NOOS FLUSH*

Terribubble Shokkin Crime Committud......
Ther's bin ...... A MURDUR!!!!!

(See hattached CRIME SCEENE photo)

Yesturday, at happroximuttly sum time befor dinnur n wen gotted bakk from walkees Mee, Mum n Dad wos confrunted wiv thiz HAPPALLIN hexampupple of WONTON n GRAPOOITUS VIOLUNCE (wot is hooman speek for Dedded Fings).

Victum wos fownded RITE OWTSIDE OUR FRUNT DOOR! Is a terribubble worry n NO WON n the locashun of OUR ROAD is safe untilz the PURPUPTRATOR is catched n duffed up gud n propur.

Cos am RESPONSIBUBBLE NitWit (bit like Detektive Cana Lund from hit TV serees "the DEDDED"! ... Er, I think you mean "The Killing" Ed) Havs drawded upp list of SUSPISCIOWSE SUSPEKTS!

Finks...... (Is hard wurk all thiz detektiv stuff. Makez yoo VERY SLEEPY. MUST koncentrate! Time for my daily 19 hourz sleeps latur)

Suzpekt 1 POSTMAN (haz big bag for deposititting dedd fings)

Suzpekt 2 OLD CUPPLE wot liv nextdoorbutwun. (They iz very frendly, but cud be sneeky covur-up! No wun canz be trusteded... Grrr)

Suzpect 3 TERRENCE THE SNAIL wot livs in the gardun. (Possibubbly too small to carry owt such viscowse attakk, but cud be inflamed to SUPER-SNAIL stwength by CRIME OF PASSION!)

Suzpect 4 RAOUL THE CAT. (Hextreemly unlikkly to committ such terribubble crime of mowse killing. As swell as has PURFICT HALIBI - wos nextdoorbutwun wiv OLD CUPPLE n eetin their cat'z fud)

Iz goin to bee busy day for DETEKTIVE CANA. Probubbly need to roll arownd on dedded MURDUR VIKTUM n nibble it a bitt in ordur to gettz propur meassure of fings.......

Had WELL HEXCITIN DAY!

Went wiv Dad to see Arse-smell at the Efeminates Stadihum (ARSENAL at the EMIRATES STADIUM!!! Ed)  Dad goez there ALL THE TIMEZ to Arse-smell (Arsenal! Ed) wot is snot fair cos I likez arses to smellz too. Stwange cos wen we iz havin walkees in the park, Dad doez snot generlilly do thiz :o/ (???)

We walked ALL AROWND there for AGES in PORING RAIN n sniffed lotz of HEXCITIN fings :o) (Mum wos WELL HAPPY cos Dad tolded us abowt EVERYFING abowt Arse-smells in lotz n lotz n lotz of detail........) 

Then we wented to see speshal Arsesmell Plurqe (ARSENAL PLAQUE! Ed) wot Joel-Pup had giveded Dad for Crispmush.
Aww, GUDD BOY JOEL-PUP, bet yoo got a biskwit for that!

Dad sed wos BESTEST MOST HEXCITIN FING EVUR (hoomans is very stwange; cat poo, dedd fings n sikk is hexcitin - hespeshly wen cumming hacross thems HUNEXPECTEDLY - but plurque???) 

Fortunuttly ther wos half eeten kebub neeby wot made up for BORING PLURQE - that wos WELL HINTERESTING.

WUFF

Here iz mee n my frend Norm (Storm! Ed).

He lukks like mee, but iz biggur coz Arnty Licky (Vicky! Ed) musted hav bin givvin him 'Miracuccle Grow for Doggs'.

Norm wos pretendin to givs mee a kiss, but reelly he wos sneekililly tryin to steel my treet off me wot Arnt Licky givved me. Grrr

As yoo can see I am bein CALM HASSERTIVE, wot is bestest fing for fings wot is tryin to PINCH FINGS OFF YOO FOR SNOW REESON!

Yoo can LULLS them intoo FALZE SNENSE OF SECURITITTY befor yoo givvs them a GUDD DUFFIN.

BARKK OFF NORM, thiz is MY TREET!

WUFF

Furest walkees.

Went to the furest wiv Mum n gess wot? Arnty Licky (Vicky! Ed) wos ther wiv my frend Norm (Storm! Ed)

Norm iz only a pup, so I wos teechin himm BAZIC DUFFIN n BOWNCIN SKILLZ.

Coz I ams an HADVANCED duffer n bowncerer (n a gudd NitWit) I keepz A LURT N VIGILUNT at all timez. Norm must lern to bee KONSTUNTLY aware of hiz surrowndings in case of SURPRIZE ATTAKK from ovvur bowncy creeturez. Grrrr

Unfurtunutly, Norm needz INCY WINCY bit more practize to becum HADVANCED BOWNCERER n DUFFER cos while we wos BOWNCIN n DUFFIN we HACCIDUNTLY bownced into Arnty Licky........ :o/ ooopz.

Hof corse wazn't MY fault cos I wos TESTIN Norm to see if he wos bein ploperly A LURT n VIGILUNT.

Wos very stwange....... Wen Arnty Licky got bownceded, she suddenly decided to takez FLYING LESSUNS! (Hoomans iz very mysteriowse sumtimes) Arnty Licky DISSHAPPEARED into the sky for SUM TIME.

Then she came down n decideded to takez an ickle nap. (???) Thiz giveded me HEXCELLUNT HOPPORTUNITY to show Norm my SUPERIOR RESNUSCITATION SKILLZ.

Step 1. Makez sure Arnty Licky is breething wiv LOTZ of lickin her snowt. (Tryz to get NitWit tongue up snowt n in mowf for BESTEST REZULT - SLUuuurp)

Step 2. Kommence chest compreshun by BOWNCIN on Arnty Licky n STOMPIN on hur as smuch as possibubble. WAKE UPP, WAKE UPP!

IT WURKED, IT WURKED! Arnty Licky wos RETARDED from the DEDD. (We noo thiz coz she sed "Uuuuurgh", "Help" n "Gerrroff" a lot)

Unfurtunutly Mum wos snot so helppful coz she wos larfing too much, wot wos WELL IRRESPONSIBUBBLE. (Hurrumph)

Gudd fing mee n Norm wos ther to help!

WUFF

*HEXCITIN DAY*

Mum n mee iz goin to HAMMYLICKER NORVERN NITWITS wher I wos bornded - all thoze yeerz ago. (Nostalgik wuffs)

Fortunutly I gotted all my Mum'z gudd lukks n brainz n poor sistur Kylie (the slappur) hadd to make doo bein the UGLY STOOPID wun with the DODGY ANAL GLANDZ. Poor Kylie (he he he he.....)

(Er, you mean Honiahaka Northern Inuits! Ed)

HAMMYLICKER NORVERN NITWITS!!!!

... Hmmm, maybee haz gott spellin wrong? (Evun tho I iz BESTEST spellur in HOLE WURLD n snot many doggs can spell as swell as mee - hespeshley wen they iz ONLY 3 YEERS OLD - I sumtimez getts mixeded upp) Triez agin......

HammyLicker Suvvern Innits?
HoneyYucky Norvern InterTwits?
HammyYucka Gnawin IntoBits?
HoneyYummy Norvern InnyTitts?
HoniMucker Suvvern IntoTwits n Bits n Nits?
HamAttacker Norvern Idiots?

(Sigh. Ed)

Anywayz, WHEREVUR we iz goin - iz goin to be lotz of DUFFIN n BOWNCIN n STOMPIN n SPLASHIN n DIGGIN n ROLLIN IN MUKK!

Maybee evun sum nice foxx poo? (Hexcited n hopeful wuffs)

WUFF

TERRIBUBBLE, HEXAUSTIN DAY! Dad wented MISSIN!!!!!!

Tuk Dad for walkees. (Wos walkin WEELY weelly slowly as usual too so hadd to hurry him upp a bit - cum ON Dad)

Let Dad off leed n lefted him wonderin arownd, collektin poo n showtin 'Cana, Cana, CANA' wot is wot he likes to do. Hof corse like a gudd NitWit I justs HIGNOREDED him - cos I iz 'CALM HASSERTIVE' - n went runnin off likes I ALWAYZ do....

Fownded lotz of NOO FRENDS to play wiv n wos havin LUVLY TIME stomping throo bushez, eetin flowurz, bowncin on wabbitz (wabbitz is WELL BOWNCY) n rollin in mukk wen ALL OFF A SUDDUN, TERRIBUBBLE FING HAPPUNEDED!.........

DAD HADD DISAPEERDEDED!!!!!! (Shokkin gasps)

WOT A PANIK! Sercheded for Dad EVRYWHER but snowher to bee sniffed (or seen)!

In feeld? No
Behind Poo Binn? No
In Wabbit hole? No
Fallun in rivur? No
Disguyzed as Dukk? No! Wher? Wher? Wher?

Must hinform MISSIN POOSENS! Wot if Dad haz bin SNAFFLEDED by norty HOOMAN RUSTLERS? (Grrr) Qwickk, must himform 'INTERPOO' so doggys ALL ARWOND WURLD can serch for hims.

Poor Dad. :o/ Wot if he iz losted n HALONE sumwher wivowt mee? :o(

Then..... Very stwange fing....... Fownded Dad...... UP A TREE?!!
?????? :o/

Wot a releef! Won't need Missin Poosens or InterPoo aftur all.

Will nevur leeve Dad alone on walkees now, in case getts losted agin. Phew!

WUFF

HOOMAN SITTIN

Had Mostest himpawtunt job at wee-kend. Wos HOOMAN SITTIN.

Mum n Dad wented away to weeding (Wedding. Ed) wot ment mee, Cana (Wurld's Bestest Furry-Sitter) lukked aftur my brovver Joel ALL ON MYS OWN. (PROWD WUFFS)

Poor ickle Joel is 19 in hooman yeers wot makez him ONLY 6 MUNTHS OLDED in furry yeers. He is a poor ickle wickle baby hooman-pup n SNOT CAPABUBBLE of lukkin afturn himself. Awww

CANA TO THE RESQUE!

Chekk list:
1. Is JoelPup gettin up at stoopid-o-clock to goez owt for wee-wees? NO? Wantz to stay inns bed til 12????? Is snot alloweded. Gett up JoelPup, is 5 O'Clokk n timez for play!

2. Iz JoelPup eetin propurly? All JoelPup's fud musted be HINSPECTUD ploperly for DANGEROWSE FINGS. All meeltimez must be CLOSELY SUPERVISEDED (n preferabubbly tasted too).

But... Wot'z thiz? JoelPup haz vizitur? (Cue lotz of suspiciowse sniffin)
Iz NOO GURL HOOMAN n iz sittin VERY CLOSE to Joel on sofa! WOT TO DO? WOT TO DO?

Only wun fing forit. Sqweeze inbetween JoelPup n NooGurl so they iz sitting at REESONBUBBLE N SAFE DISTUNCE so NORTY, HUNEXPECTEDED or HUNPRECIDUNTED BEHAVIUR (wot iz snot on chekk list!) cannot HOCCUR!

Ther - thatz bettur! JoelPup, Mee n NooGurl ALL ONS THE SOFA TOGEVVER. Now, wotz on the telly? 'BRITONS GOT TALONS' -
WUFF!

*HIMPAWTUNT ANNOWNCMUNT* NOOS FLUSH*

Sea Monsturs spottud in puddlez ALL AROWND the plaice.

Thiz wun wos fownded neer Slapperery Heights in Knobworth - wot is stwange cos that is wher my situr Kylie (the slappur) livs!

Theze is HEXTREMELY FEERSUM creetures wot SHUD SNOT BEE HAPPROACHED. They iz WELL UGLY n iz capububble of causin DEAFF wiv just wun lukk from itz terribubble face! (Shokkin gasps)

Memburs of Publik is hadviseded to take simpul precawshuns:-
- Don't carry any snakks (giv them to sumwun else.... like mee!)
- Don't leeve any poo lyin arownd. Sea Monsturs luv poo!
- Be carful to lokk upp fings like curtuns, moobile fones, hoovur hattachmuntz cos they willz HATTRAKT the sea monstur cos it wills want to EET THEMS.

If yoo seez wun, be sure to giv it a GUDD DUFFIN, justed to bee on safe side.

Remembur BE A LURT N VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMESZ!

WUFF.

Thort for tuday..... In the Car.

Car jurneys is stwange fings. My jobb is HOBSURVE everyfing n keepz a LUKK OWT. Iz very HEXCITIN cos wee cans broom arownd for AGES n wen wee stopps, sumfing HIMPAWTUNT happuns!

NitWits (like mee!) must bee HESPESHLY VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ wot is HOOGE respunsibilility cos HEXCITIN n HIMPAWTUNT fings can eesily be misseded by Mum n Dad wot wud be DISASTUR! :o(

Hexumple..... wented owt in car on HEXCITIN MUNDAY (see below. Ed). I wos keepin LUKK OWT as usual n bein VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ (untils I gots a bit sleepy n had an ickle snooze).
Then - ALLS OF A SUDDUN we is in Arnty Biff's road (!) wot is wher Murky Manor is!!! WOT A SHOKK! Hows did that happun????

Gud fing wos bein SPESHLY VIGILUNT AT ALL TIMEZ like gud NitWit cos wos able to LOWDLY ALURT Mum to HIMPENDIN DOOM by lotz of WHININ, STOMPIN arownd n TAPP DANCIN wiv my pawz.

Wivowt mee, Mum wud hav gonned STRATE PAST Murky Manor wot meens wee wud NEVUR hav seend Arnty Biff n Bonkers n Bubblez n wud hav drivun arownd HAIMLESSLY for EVUR n probubly bee WELL DEDDED n THEN WHER WUD WE BEE????? Wuf hav bin TERRIBUBBLE DISASTUR!!!!

Gud fing I hasd bin practicin my SUPURIOR WHININ N STOMPIN SKILLZ overwize ALLS WUD HAV BIN LOSTED!!!

Weekund Noos: Wot I didd at the weekund

It rainded n rainded n rained n rained n rainded n rainded n rained n rained n rained (er yes, I think we get the idea. Ed) n then it rained sum more n then (cos I wos KONCENTRATIN WEELY WEELY HARD wiv my SUPUR NITWIT powurz) heventually it STOPPEDED RAININ. A MIRICUCLE!!! Then we had........

*HEXCITIN MUNDAY*

Wented to Murky Manor tuday (wher Bonkers ...n Bubblez liv wiv Unkle Murky n Arnty Biff). Wos BESTEST FING!

Bonkers n Bubblez wos WELL PLEESED to sees mee. Bonkers bownced arownd the sittin room n trieded to go upp the chimnee n cleen it for Arnty Biff, then I giveded Bonkers BIG DUFFIN, then giveded Bubblez BIG DUFFIN, then giveded boff of thems BIG DUFFIN, then (SHOKK, HORROR) Bonkers n Bubblez trieded to DUFF MEE! Then wee hadd MASS DUFFIN ALL TOGEVVER, then wee BOWNCED arownd the gardun, then wee bownceded arownd Arnty Biff's kitchun, then Arnty Biff got kross (wot wos WELL UNREESONABUBBLE!), then Bubblez had a bone (A BONE!) then I giveded Bubblez a gud smakkin n got bone off hur cos she is yunger than mee, then Mum tolded mee off (MEE! TOLDED OFF!!!) then wee drunk lotz n lotz of watur, then Bonkers nokked the bowl ovur, then Arny Biff wos angry AGIN, then wee we wented owt n helped eet the flowurs, then we did sum more BOWNCIN, cos we hadn't donned any bowncin for AGES (cud hav bin MINUTES!!!!) then wees wotched Mum n Arnty Bigg hav donuts n supurviseded thems VERY VERY KLOSELY, then it wos time to go home (wot wos SO SNOT FAIR!) then Dad giveded mee sum dinnur, then I didn't eetz it cos I wos snot hungry, then I wos a VERY VERY SLEEPY NitWit, then ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Arnty Lurraine giveded mee a HUGE bone for my biffday.

Is HIMPAWTUNT to lukk aftur bonez ploperly so yoos can keeps them for long long time.

Furst make sure yor bone is snice n dedded. (Bones wot is snot dedded yet is calleded ULIVE) My bone needed deddeding by feerluss, brave NitWit (Mee!). Bashed norty bone arownd gardun n BOWNCED on it til wos WELL DEDDED. There! Grrr

Next hadd to munch on i...t a bit. Nom nom nom nom......

Next (n mosted HIMPAWTUNT bit) bone must be HIDDUN in safe place for footure consumpshun. Thiz involvs DIGGIN big BIG hole.

Serched WHOLE gardun for HEXACTLY rite place. Here? no.
Here? Mmmm, no.
Here? Yes! Bestest place for diggin! Dig dig dig dig ....

*HIMPAWTUNT BIT*
Keepz locashon of yor bone STRIKTLY GARDEDED SEECRUT. Bonez wot is snot STRIKTLY GARDED is sumtimes SNAFFLED! (Shokkin, but troo)
Mum wotched mee burryin my bone wot wos very SUSPISCIOWSE. :o/
Wot if she STEELS it from mee?!!!! Grrr
Waited til Mum went INSIDE n dugged it upp n hidded it agin. He he he.... I iz a CLEVUR NitWit!

Then I dugged it up agin n agin n agin (sevural timez infakt) n burreed in noo spot cos yoo can't be too kareful wiv bones.

Now, wher did I leeves it last time?
:o?

"Wen I'm Cleenin Windowz" Favorit hactivitity in I-Lund wos.... Likkin windowz! (N lukkin owt of thems. A lot.)

Time for sum HINTENSE STARIN thru super-cleen-dogg-gobby windowz.

Cleenin Windowz 2

Wot wee do wens we iz snot cleenin windowz n lukkin owt for BURGLARZ.

Cleenin Windowz 3

Thiz is MEE! Lukk how I maded a pretty patturn. I iz WELL SCARY for norty BUGLARZ. Grrr. Cum in here n yoo wills be subjectud to LIKKIN FRENZY!

Cleenin Windowz 4

Kylie AGAIN! (Yawn, zzzzzzzzz)
She is waitin for Unkle Nikk. He is owt playin on his trike n collektin stikks.

Cleenin Windowz 5

Zeeb on duty!
Zeeb haz longustest tungue EVUR n can cleen winowz from SEVURAL FEET aways!

Cleenin Windowz 6

Here iz Kylie doin speshley GUDD JOBB. (Carfull yoo don't see yor reflektshun Kylie - cud be SCARY!)
he he he he.....

Cleenin Windowz 7

Kylie is gettin boored here. NORTY Kylie! Iz HIMPAWTUNT to VIGILUNT n A LURT at all timez!
See bumanas on table? They iz BAIT for BUGLARZ!

Cleenin Windowz 8

Everywun cleenin windowz! Aftur thiz we lukks for BUGLARZ! Grrr

Cleenin Windowz 9

Her iz Zeeb n Kylie. See hows windowz is snice n cleen. Thiz is cos doggy-gob is BESTEST FING to makez them sparkly. (Wurks well in carz too.)

*Crime Botch Update*

(Cana Lund n the case of the Frenzeed Treet Pakket Attakk)

Decideded to do Crime Sceene RECONSTRUCTSHUN last nite....
1. Prepar sceene.
Bedd in correkt spot in livin room? CHEKK!
2. Suspekts n witnusses in positshun?
Mum n Dad gon to bedd. Raoul iz on sofa CHEKK!
3. Correkt time wen SHOKKING crime wos committuded.
Between SleepyTime n WakeyUp time. CHEKK!
...
All set! Nows to take up POSITSHUN n HOBSERVE crime sceene for STWANGE n SUSPICIOWSE behaviur. Will the EVUL PURPETRAITOR return????

Detektive Cana Lund wills be waitin for him n POWNCE! (he he he..)

Consuntratin HARD>>>>>>>>>
...
(Must keeps CONSTUNT vigil)
...
STILL consuntratin hard>>>>>>>>>
...
(Pursistunce is name of game here....)
...
STILL consuntr.....zzzzzzz
...
...
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*Terribul Shokkin Crime Committud*

Crime Locashun - My Howse.
Date of HINCIDUNT - last nite.
Time of HINCIDUNT - sumtime durin sleepytime.

Detektive Cana HINVESTIGUGATES......

Thiz mornin, EMPTY pakket of doggy treetz wos discuverred in MY BEDD! Grrrr. Sed pakket hadd bin TORN TO SHREDDS n contentz DEVOUREDED in suspecteded FRENZEEED ATTAKK!

Who cud hav bin the culprit????

In TRAGIK miscarraige of justice, Mum haccused MEE of thiz shokkin crime!!!!! (Hofcourse, I knowz NUFFIN n is compleetly HINNOCUNT bystunder - Hurrumph)

Only ovver suspekt cud be.......... RAOUL! (Raoul iz WELL NORTY pussykat n WELL CAPABABABLE of dastudly deed n Hattemptin to FRAME poor HINNOCUNT mee. Grrrr)

Tuday'z missun: Proove my HINNOCUNCE n extruct formul pardon from Mum.

(Stay tooned for next thrillin hepisode of CRIME-BOTCH - Detektiv Cana HINVESTIGAGATES.....)

The Crime Sceene. 1

A shokkin cloze-up!

The Crime Sceene. 2

Who cud hav committud thiz terribul attakk?

Cana's Tour of I-lund (Ireland. Ed)

Mee, on my holidayz - at the lake.

I-Lund

Buddy n Drummer.
They iz WELL OLD!

I-Lund

Kylie n Zeeb.

I-Lund

The lake.

I-Lund

Whoo, kareful Kylie. Yoo isa WELL MADD NitWit.

I-Lund

Zeeb's bum.

I-Lund

Mee n Kylie.
(She iz the ugly wun)

I-Lund.

Mee, Zeeb n Kylie.
(I iz snot small. I iz just very far aways)

Holidayz

Hello Evrywun, I iz BAKK!
Mee n Mum n Day wented on holidayz. Holidayz is wen yoo go to sleepz in the car n wake up sumwher KOMPLEETLY DIFFRUNT. Is WELL KLEVUR.
We wented on a long long long long long long long car jurney to a place called I-lund (Ireland Ed.)
I-lund is wher Leprycons live. They iz ickle creetures wot bownce arownd the gardun.
Wen we gotted to I-lund, wos HUGE SHOKK cos Klyie (my sistur, the slappur) wos ther n Zeeb, wot wos very very stwange cos usually they livs just down the road at Slappurery Heightz!(???)

Biffday Cake

Mee n Kylie's biffday cake iz finished!
Wos WELLYUMMY. (Kylie cud only havs an ickle bit tho cos hur bum iz too bigg)
Poor Kylie..... (he he he)

Makin Cakez

Here iz mee helpin Artny Lurraine to make cakez. Nom nom nom..... She putt lotz of luvlee fings in itt, but forgott
mowses (dedded wuns)
stikks
cat poo
sikk.

Hooman Trainin

Kylie (my sistur, the slappur) n Zeeb wos having HOOGE problums wiv their hooman trainin. Arny Lurraine n Unkle Nikk wos runnin RIOT!

Kylie n Zeeb wos gettin WELL DESPRUT for help so att wee-kend I wented rownd to SORT THEMS OWT.

CONKLUSHUNS:
Unkle Nikk - Needz trainin in PAYSHUNCE n WALKIN ON LEED.
Arnty Lurraine - Needz to lern to bake cakez.

SOLUSHUNS:
Tuk Unkle Nikk for walkee. As soon as U...nkle Nikk wos off the leed I RUNNED FOR IT!! (he he he he...)
Unkle Nikk had NO PAYSHUNCE AT ALLS! He wos callin mee for AGES. "Cana, Cana, Cana..... CANA! CUM HERE!!!!"
Meenwhile I wos having a luvlee time in the wudds ...... Dum de Dum de Dum.... Nice flowurs these...nom nom nom.... Ooo, nice stikk for runnin arownd wiv....
"Cana! CANA!"
Wot's that Unkle Nikk? Is yoo gettin yor nikkers in a twist? Remumbur yoo must bee PAYSHUNT AT ALL TIMES N CALM HASSURTIVE (like mee!) Uvverwise yor nikkers will gett twistud!

Heventually Unkle Nikk had lerneded his lessun in Payshunce Trainin For Hoomans so ALL WOS SWELL n we wented bakk to the howse. (He wos still walkin WEELY BAD on leed tho. FAR TOO SLOW! Had to dragg him along a bitz so he hurreed upp!)

(More abowt Aunty Lurraine'z cake makin tommorrow)
WUFF.

Had BESTEST Biffday EVUR!

Gess wot? Raoul gotted mee........ A DEDD FING!!!!

Only an ickle DeddFing, but Raoul iz only ickle himsulf (well, snot ickle for puzzykat, but ickle compeared to HOOGE FIURCE FURRY NITWITS - like mee!)

He lefted it on the dorstepp. It wos a MOWSE n wos well dedded. (Yumm) Dad tuk me owt for my ABLUSHUNS so I POWNCEDED n gobbleded it upp SUPUR QWIKK wiv my SUPUR DOOPUR NitWit powcing-n-gobblin skillz. Grrrrr

Nom, nom, nom, nom, gulp ........ LUVLEE!

Dad wos WELL JELLYOWSE n trieded to get tasty DeddFing off mee, wot is SO SNOT FUR! He wented inside n told Mum n she maded funny barkin noyses?????? (Dad sed is called 'gaggin')

Wos hopin wud sikk up tasty DeddFing latur n hexpurience luvlee yummynessness ALL OVUR AGAIN, but wos snot to bee. :o(

WUFF!

Iz mee Qween Cana's Biffday missage to the Nashun!

3 yeers ago mee n Kylie (the slappur) wos bornded at HammyLicker Suvvern Innits (Honiahaka Northern Inuits! Ed). We wos ickly ickle pups, but soon gott weelly weelly fat n podgey, hespecially Kylie wot wos sooo fat she cudn't evun walk!

Kylie wented to liv wiv Arnty Lurrain n Unkle Nikk at Slapperery Heights. Poor Lurrain n Nikk, they wos WELL DISSAPOYNTED they endud upp wiv Kylie n snot mee!

Nevur mind Arnty Lurrain n Unkle Nikk, I is cuming to sees yoo soon n will givs BAD Kylie a Gudd Duffin to sorts hur owt!

WUFF!

Cana's Mornin Rootine Number 3!

Aftur alls the STARIN HINTENTLY n whinin at barfroom door has wurked n Mum is owt agin, - mee, Mum n Raoul all go to the kitchun.

(Iz alwayz HOOGE releef wen Mum cums owt of barfroom UNSCAVED n snot havin DIZHAPPEARED mysteriowsly or HESCAPEDED owt of window!  Phew!)

Iz BREKKFUST TIME!
Furst, Mum makes hursulf sum poo-ridge cos she is PAKK LEEDUR. (Meenwhile I practice my STARIN HINTENTLY skillz >>>>>>>>>>>.....)
Raoul practicus dodgums rown Mum's legs.
Next, Mum makez Raoul'z brekkfust cos he is PAKK LEEDUR numbur 2.
(More STARIN HINTENTLY  >>>>>>>> .........)
Next, Mum makez mee, Cana's brekkfust coz I is PAKK LEEDUR numbur 3 n a GUDD NitWit n sittin down (n STARIN HINTENTLY  >>>>>>>.........) 

Iz WELL HEXCITIN time. Wot will it bee? Wot will it bee?

SURPIZE!  Is TRIPE!!!! (yum) Just like yesturday!

Then Mum makez Dad's brekkfust cos Dad is PAKK LEEDUR number 4! (Dad useded to be PAKK LEEDUR number 6 wen Poppy n Nora wos here, but has bin PROMOTTED!) Dad's brekkfust is calleded CUPOFTEE.

Wakey Wakey evurywun. WUFF!

NOOS! NOOS! NOOS!

COMPITISHUN RESULTZ.......... n the Winnur is........

Anna-Marie Jeffrey
wiv "I went to the zoo the other day, it only had one dog there, it was a shitzu".

Fank yoo to nice lady hooman at Kennul Klub for drudging (JUDGING! Ed)

Well WELLS DUN Annuh-Murrie. Yoo havs wonned 2 hooman tikkets to Crotchs (CRUFTS! Ed)

WUFF

(Anna-Marie, Cana doesn't have any contact details for you. Can you let her know your email address please? You can email Cana at cana@live.co.uk. Ed)

Drudging!

Jokees hav bin sented to nice hoomans at the Kennul Klub for drudging (JUDGING! Ed)

I iz chewin mys claw-nailz in HAMTICIPATION n HEXCITEMUNT!!!!!

Whooz will win?........

HIMPAWTUNT ANNOWNCEMUNT!

Is lasted day for Computishun entrees. Winn 2 hooman tikkets for Crotchs (CRUFTS! Ed) in Brrrmingham.

All jokees must be inn tuday! Winnur HANNOWNCED TOMMORROW!

Inn the MEENTIME tho...... On to BARK N REED! Cum on hooman pups STORY TIME!

'B' is for BADGERZ!

BADGERZ is HIMAGINERY, MYSTICUCLE amimules wot wiv in burrows, like WABBITS, wot is very suspikious fing cos wot mosted hoomanz dont know iz that BADGERZ is weely WABBITS IN DISGUYZE!!!!!!

Wabbitz fink dressin upp in Cana costooms will CONFOOSE me! SNOW WAY Wabbits, I iz far too clevur for THATT trikk. I snow yoo is weely wabbitz, but disguyzeded as mee wen I wos ickle pup!

Only fing is..... dressin upp as Cana-pupz n callin themselvz 'BADGURZ' (stoopid wabbitz!) makez wabbitz WELL FIURCE! Evun fiurcererer than USUAL (wot is very, very furce anywayz as ALL DOGGYS snow, yooz hav to be a BRAVE NitWit INDEED to chase wabbitz - GRRRR)

REMEMBUR - Is HIMPAWTUNT to leeve PRETEND MYSTICUCLE BADGURZ WELL ALONE just in cases they iz fiurcerer than wabbitz!

WUFF

www.thekennelclub.org.uk/barkandread

Computishun Time!

Computishun for Crotchs (CRUFTS! Ed) is goin WEELY GUDD!

Remumber, closin date is by 24th Februarury so gett postin yor jokees if yoo want yor hoomans to winn tickuts.

Iz lots of HEXCITIN stuff to doo ther like sniffin bums, chewin furnitutututure (to see if chewy), likkin fings (to sees if tastee), diggin holes (Er, are you sure? Ed), pullin hoomanz arownd, runnin rownd in curcles, wuffin n MUCH MUCH MORE!!!!

On Friesday (24th) mee n nice lady-hooman from the Kennel Klub will pikk the winnur! WOOO HOOO!!!!

(Remember to make sure your page is enabled for Cana can message you via FB or email you if you win. Ed)

WUFF

Cana's Computishun for Crotchs (Crufts... yawn Ed)

 Here is sumfing to gett yoos in the mood for jokees.....

Dogg goez into Post Hoffice to send a telygram (Er, are you sure? Ed)
Telygram reedz "Wuff, wuff, wuff wuff. Wuff, wuff wuff wuff. Wuff"
Posty Hoffice hooman seyz "Yoos only gott 9 wuffs here. For same muney yoo cann havs 10 wuffs".
Dogg is WELL PUZZLLED..... "Butt then it wudn't make any sense!"

BUM BUM! (I think you mean Boom Boom Cana)

Send yor bestest doggy jokees to mee on my Face Book page n winn yor hoomanz 2 FREE TIKKETS TO CROTCHS!

WUFF

*HIMPAWTUNT ANNOWNCEMUNT*

Computishun Time for Cana Fanz.

Winn 2 tikkets for CROTCHS (CRUFTS!!!!! Ed)

Listun curfully ALL DOGGEES. Yooz can entur yoor hoomanz in Crotchs - (CRUFTS!! mutter, mutter.. Ed) - by winnin tikkets for thems.

All yooz need to doo is tellz mee yor bestest doggy joke EVUR.
Post yor joke onn my Face Book wall.
Bestest, mostest FUNNYUST joke will winz 2 hooman tikkets. SIMPLES!

Jokes musted be posteded by 24 Feb!

(WELL HIMPAWTUNT STUFF - makez sure I cann messuge yoo on yor FB page or email yoo if yoo winn.)

http://www.crufts.org.uk/

WUFF

TITTER!

Big NOOS!
Mee, Cana - Celebruty NitWit n Literererary Phenominumnum iz now linked to TITTER!!! (Twitter! Ed)

Lukk for 'CanaDoggy'

Juzt hav to wurk owt howz to use itt.........

 

 

 

Big Impawtunt event in Doggy Calundur cummin up..... CROTCHS!!

(CRUFTS!!!!! Ed.)

CROTCHS is HOOGE fun day wot is organasized by doggees to showw offs ther hoomans.
Doggees leed ther hoomanz arownd a BIG ring. All the doggees hav to sniff hoomans n then theyz putt upp ther paws for BESTEST wuns. Bestest hoomans win PRIZES - like yeers supply of TRIPE! (Yum!)

Hoomans must bee enturererd in classes....
Class Wun: Blakk wuns
Class Too: Brawn wuns
Class free: Wite wuns
Class For: Yello wuns
Class Five: Big wuns
Class Six: Ickle wuns
Class Snevun: Finn wuns
Class Ate: Fatt wuns
Class Nine: (Yes, yes I think we have the idea now Cana.... sigh...)

Fings wot make hoomans win prizes....

1. Theyz smells nice.
2. Theyz givvs yoo treets.
3. They iz gudd at throwin ballz.
4. They iz gudd at collektin poo.
5. Theyz like goin for WALKEES.
6. They is gudd at TIKKLING TUMMEES.
7. They tikkle tummees FOR AGES.
8. Wunce theyz hav stopped tikklin tummee, theyz havv short brake n do itt agin.
9. Theyz recognize HIMPAWTUNCE of tummy tikklin for ALL FINGS to livvs in PEAS N HARMUNY n be HAMBASSIDORS for tummy tikklin WHER-EVUR theyz go n NEVUR STOPP in thers qwest to make NON-TUMMY-TIKKLIN a FING OF THE PAST for poor depraved hoomans wot don't know bettur.

(Er, right then... Ed)

www.crufts.org.uk/ticket-office

Mornin rootine (numbur too)

Wen Mum is inn barfroom I take brake from STARIN HINTENTLY at door n go n wake Dad upp. Is time for Cana's mornin ABLOOSHUNS!

Thiz is mostest HEXCITING bit of Poor Old Dad'z day! I takez Dad down the gardun to CANA'S-TOILUT-AREA, wot is behind the shedd. Thiz is wher I do my pooin n weein.
...
Iz HEXTWEEMLY HIMPAWTUNT to gett HEXACTLY right place for poos.
Pooin is WELL HIMPAWTUNT jobb for doggees n must bee takun HEXTWEEMLY SERIOWSLY.

I go rownd n rownd n rownd n rownd in curcles for AGES tryin to gett the CORREKT SPOT.
Here? ..... No!
Here? ..... No!
Thiz wun? ..... Mmmm, maybee.... (tryz sqwatting, tail pump actshun reddy)......
NO, FALSE ALARM - is snot rite.

(Meenwhile, Dad getz very hexcitud. "Gudd gurl Cana", "Cum on now", "Gudd gurl", "Pleese Cana". Sumtimes cannot contain himmself ANY LONGUR n singz the Nike song; "Just Do It!")

Dad is WELL PLEESED wen hav dun my poo. He LUVS THEMS! He colleckts thems in ickle baggs to keepz them safe. Latur on he putts thems in speshal POO SAFES wot r in the park. Aftur a bit, they iz empteed n all the poo takun to a sheshal POO BANK wher it stored nice n snafe.

Wish I new wher the BIG POO BANK is! Just fink... all that poo in a HOOGE poo MOWNTAIN just rite for rollin in!

Must make it CANA'S LIFE MISSUN to find hooge POO MOWNTAIN (espeshly wun for foxes) n roll n roll n roll n roll n roll..............

Aaaaaah....

HIMPAWTUNT ANNOWNCEMUNT.

Cana (Celebruty NitWit n Literererury Hexpurt) Helpz Hooman Pupps to Reed!!!!

Listun carfully hooman pupps. Watch n LERN....

Lessun Wun: 'A'

'A' is for ANAL GLANDZ.

Anal glandz is ickle fings wot liv in yor bottum. Theyz make yor poo nice n stinky n help yoo snot to gett constupidated!

Wen they is bein NORTY BAD anal glandz (no biskit!) theys make yor bum hole REELY SORE. Sumtimes yoo hav to slide alongs the floor on yor bottum to makez it bettur. If thiz dusn't wurk, try likkin yor bum (or sumwun elses).
It mite snot help, but at leest it tastes nice!

My sistur Kylie (the SLAPPUR) had WELL BADD anal glandz wunce. They gotted all STUFFED UP WIV POO!

Poor Kylie's bum REELY HURT (he he he...)

She hadd to go to the VET n hav themz SQWEEZED! ...... :o)

www.thekennelclub.org.uk/barkandread

Mornin Rootine. (Numbur wun)

(Doggy's is gudd at rootines. We likes to know HEXACTLY wen fings is happunin n take STRIKT KONTROL so's hoomanz does snot gett in a KERFUFFUL!)

1. Cana's HALARM goes off.
Thiz is nexted to Mum'z bedd. It tellz mee to GETT MUM UP. (Sumtimes it doesesn't go off! Mum callz it 'WEE KENDZ'. Thiz is a BAD FING.
Hav to gett Mum upp anywayz cos I is a GUDD DOGG.

2. Sit next to Mum'z bedd n STARE HINTENTLY>>>>>>
Likk Mum'z eers.
Made 'huffin' noises.
BOWNCE ON BEDD n wait for signul............. "Gerrof Cana"
Mum is A WAKE!! :o)

3. Mum goes intoo barf-room.
Barf-roomz is 4 showerin. Showerin is wot happuns wen yoo is reely reely stinky n has rolleded in sumfing nice - like poo!
Mum must roll in poo EVURY NITE n gett reely stinky cos she showurers EVURY SINGUL DAY!!!!!!!!!

4. Barf-rooms is WELL DANGUROWSE places. Mum REFOOOSES to take mee in to lukk aftur hur. Grrrr
Only wun fing 4 it..... sit owtside door n STARE HINTENTLY at it to makez sure Mum cums owt agin. (Sumtimes whinin helpz too)

Cana's speshal SOOPER DOOPER NitWit powerz is HEXTWEEMLY SUCESSFUL. Evury time I STARES HINTENTLY at barf-room door, aftur a foo minutez, -Mum cums owt agin!!!

Mum, YOO IS SAFE! SUCESS!!!!

BOING, BOING, BOING :o)

WUFF.

HIMPAWTUNT HANNOWNCEMUMT EVERYWUN!

Them nice hoomanz at the Kennul Klub hav startud sumfing called 'BARK N WEED'.
(Bark and READ! Ed)

Of corse, barkin n wee-in iz eezy for doggees but happaruntly ickle hooman pups find thiz DIFFICULT! (???)
-
-
-
Oops, Dad seys is snot WEE-IN at all, but REEDIN!! (Why did yoos snot SAY so thens????)

Anywayz, hooman pupps is WELL BADD at reedin (not like doggees wot can reed HEXPERTLY!) n needz a helpin paw sumtimes. The Kennul Klub wantz doggees to takes their hoomanz into skoolz so doggees can listun to hooman pupps reedin.

(You have GOT to be kidding me? Ed)
NO! Iz STRUE!

If yoo hav a hooman wiv sum spare time (cos they don't do HIMPAWTUNT FINGS like snoozin n wuffin n chasin stikks n BOWNCIN) gett thems to contakt the Kennul Klub (www.thekennelclub.org.uk/barkandread) n HELP HOOMAN PUPPS TO REED.

LETZ MAKE 2012 THE YEER THAT HOOMAN PUPPS REED AS SWELL AS DOGGEES CAN!

WUFF!

Here iz mee ins the SNOW! Iz BESTEST FING!

Hmmmm, ICE SCREAM!! Nom, nom, nom, nom.......

Shhhh, lukk...... I fownded sumfing to POWNCE on!

I iz a FIURCE wolfy, stompin thru the SNOW! Wher is thems norty WABBITS???

Cum on inn. The watur'z luvlee!

Viziturs!

Arnty Nick n Unkle Lorraine camed rownd wot wos WEEELY WEEELY HEXCITING cos yoo know wot thatz meemz????
Yes, is time for MASS DUFFIN wiv sistur Kylie (the slappur) n Zeeb.
WoooHOOOOO......

Wait tho.... Arnty Nick - chekk, Unkle Lurraine - chekk, Kylie (the slappur).......
ABSUNT! Zeeb......... ABSUNT!!!!

Wot is goin ons???? No Kylie! No Zeeeb! Cant BELEEEEVE IT! Did lotz of bowncin on Arnty Nikk and Unkle Lurraine to make surre weren'ted HIDING Kylie n Zeeb undur ther jumpurs, but ALL TO NO HAVAIL!.........

The hoomanz is OWN THEIR OWN!!!! (Shokk, gasp)

Mum sed is cos hoomanz need hooman time sumtimes, wivowt doggees!
Why, why, why??????? (Does snot COMPOOT)

Wos WELL DISSAPOYNTED! (Hurrumph, Grrrr)
>
>
>
Then Artny Lurraine tukked sumfing owt of hur bagg.
Sumfing wrupped upp in Crispmush papur.
Sumfing wot smulled HINTERESTIN.....
Sumfing wot was a PRESUNT FOR CANA!

BOYNG, BOWYNG, BOYNG...... (nom nom nom nom)

........ Kylie who?

Gud Bye Nora.

Mum n mee hadd a loooooong talk.
Mum explainded to mee wher my frend Nora has gonnned.

She sed Nora woz visitin us for little holliday cos Nora's pups wos gettin on top of hur n she neededed sum 'time owt'. Nora's babees needed hur tho n wos very sadd that Nora wented on holliday to teech thems a lessun n wantud Nora to cum home.

Mum sed Nora liked bein wiv us, but she luvs hur ickle rat babees so is very happy now she has gonned home agin. (Specially cos they has bin tort a lessun n happreciate hur bettur now!)

Mum seys that Nora livs in a luvlee farm in the country sumwher n she can run arownd wiv hur ickle rat babees ALL DAY n hav lotz of fun times. :o)

I askeded Mum if Nora will vizit agin soon cos I liked havin hur to stay? Mum sed maybee butt Nora is very buzy so it cud be 'sum time'.

Oh well. Gudd lukk Nora. Woz luvlee havin yoo to stay.

WUFF XXXX

Wher IZ Nora?

Nora? Nora? Nora? Nora?
........

Nora? Nora? NORA??????

Wher IS yoo?

Sniff..... sniff......

Nnora? NORA! NORA! NORA!!!!!!????????

Hooman Trap!

Mum n Dad got hooman trap (HUMANE trap! Ed) n putt it in kitchun.

(Bitween yoo n mee iz bit small for hoomanz tho. Maybee only ickle ickle ickle hoomanz...)

They putz peenutt buttur n chokklit innit cos that iz wot hoomanz like bestest to eeet in HOLE WURLD! (Mee too.... Grrr)

Mum n Dad left hooman trap owt ALL NITE, but ther wos NO HOOMANZ in ther thiz mornin :o(
(I know, coz I givved it a gudd sniffin n chekked all the cornurs cos I is a gudd NitWit n HEXTWEEMLY RESPUNSIBUBBLE)

No - Definuttly NO HOOMANZ!!

Why iz they tryin to catch hoomanz anywayz??? Ther is lotz of themz. I seez them on walkees EVURY DAY!!!

Maybee iz Nora's fault? Evurywun knowz that rats keepz hoomanz in laburrowtories n do HEXPERRYMUNTZ ON THEMZ! (Gasp!!!!) Norty ratz keep hoomanz in craptivity n makes themz wear MAKE-UP N STUFF n TEST THEMZ!

Is terribul terribul fing. Poor hoomanz get maded to wear make up wot is ALL WRONG FOR THEMZ!!!!

(Pursonully I likes 'Mucks Facotor'. Nora likes 'Clin-Eeek')

Wot to do? Wot to do????

Nora continooed....

Went for HOOGE bowncy walkees wiv Bonkers n Asty n Artny Biff n Mum. Wos BESTEST FING! I givved Bonkers a GUDD DUFFIN, then Bonkers givved Asty a GUDD DUFFIN, then we all wos DUFFIN n GETTIN DUFFED at wonce in HOOGE MASS DUFFERUPERIN!!

Asked Nora if she wantud to cum too but she sed no, she'd prefur to stay behind the kitchun cubbords fank yooo. :o(

Nora's games is a bit borin hactually. She lik...es playin hide n sneek for HOURZ N HOURZ N HOURZ.
Zzzzzzzz...........

Mum n Dad still bin playin TAKEKITCHUNCUBBORDSAPART.
Nora likes thiz game too.....

Dad has bin playin LIEINWAITFORNORA N THROWBIGTOWELOVURHUR.
Nora dusn't like thiz game tho.....

Raoul has bin playing SITONKITCHUNWORKTOP N WAITFORNORA.
Nora dusn't like Raoul much tho.......

Mum n Dad sed they is goin to gett 'HOOMAN TRAP' tuday???????
(HUMANE TRAP! Ed)
Trapz for hoomans?
Is very stwange fing!

Must HINVESTIGATE! >>>>>>>>>

Noo Frend!

Has bin WELL HEXCITIN DAY!

Mum gotted mee a NOO FREND. Is small n furry wiv poynty snowt n long tail.....
??????
IS A RAT (She is calleded Nora)
...
Nora camed in thru kitchun wall n wos hidin in the cubbord. Then Mum opuned the cubbord door n Nora jumped owt...

SURPRIZE!!!!!

Everywun wos WELL HEXCITED!

All of a suddun WOS PONDIMONIUM! Mum wos showtin 'NO CANA' a lot n I wos bowncin up n down n tryin to hugg Nora (cos she is my bestest frend now) n Nora was runnin arownd n then we playeded HIDE N SNEEK.

Nora hid behind the kitchun uunits.
Nora stayed behind kitchun uunits for a very loong time.
Nora is STILL there.
...... Game is gettin a bit borin now.

Then Mum n Dad decidued to play TAKETHEKITCHUNUNITSAPART.
Nora didn't cum owt tho.....

IS BESTEST MOST HEXCITIN PRESUNT EVUR. Nora n mee is goin to bee VERY GUDD FRENDS. I is gudd at chasin Nora n she is gudd at runn awayz.

WUFF!